I fucking hate every fucking person on the face of the earth right now. I don't give a SHIT if tey've done wel to me, I'm just so sick of everything right now, I want so badly to go somewhere far away from everyone on some deserted beach and stay there and sit at the ocean until I feel capable of doing something worthwhile with my life.
Everytime I try to talk to someone about it, I either can't because I don't want them to know about something or don't want them to worry about me, or I feel like I'm not being heard, OR I feel like they aren't taking me seriously.
I just don't know what to do, this day was absolutley horrible, and it seems to be getting worse as time progresses. My new boyfriend (he makes it seem like he's my god damn fiance) whom I thought was wonderful is driving me crazy (if I'm not already there) with confusion, fear, and god knows what else. I think I may have a flu, so I can't eat without the feel of puking stuck in my throat, therefore taking away my ability to eat, I seem to be suffering some type of insomnia because I can't sleep until late a tnight, therefore making my flu even worse. THEN I have to wake up early so I can start the horrific day all over again.
God I'm so sick of everything!
I don't even know if I should be posting here because I'm not diagnosed as depressed or anything of the sort. Then again I've never gone to get diagnosed. But I know I'm in a spot where everything is spinning out of control and I have no one to turn to. I don't fit in with the "normal"(whatever that may be) people, and I feel like I'm pretending to be something I'm not when I'm here.
I just can't stand where my life is now. Everything right ends up being wrong. Everything I could've done to fix it, I can't do because I don't know how. When I finally try to fix it, the situation ends up becoming worse than before. It's like all the bad luck in the world filtered into my life and there's nothing I can do about it.
I look at others who have it worse off than me and wonder why I complain, then I feel angry at myself for beating myself up about things and I should know that I have a right to say the things that I say, then I consider myself selfish.
I can't win with me, or anyone else. I put so much pressure on myself, and I never succeed. My whole life drives me crazy.
I can't do this anymore, I want so badly to be free of everything.
I wonder if anyone would care if I died…if I've done something so worthwhile in someone's life that they would actually be scarred by my death. I don't think so. They'd cry at first, go to the funeral, but after they'd just get on with their lives. I have nothing to leave behind. And I have left no mark so I can be remembered.
I just wish that I could tell someone this and they'd understand what I mean. But it seems like whenever I try, people don't take me seriously, or they just don't care.
Maybe I should just disappear.