From my blog title you would have thought I would be happy right. Well not quiet. Some aspect of my life are good. I have done a lot of self reflection and meditation since my last blog, and realised and owned up to my own failings and taken responsibility for how I was hurting my bf and how I was just as much to blame of the bad things in our relationship.
For too long I was blaming everyone else for the bad in my life. Whilst some of the blame does lye firmly with my father and mother, some of it rests with me. What happened in the past doesnt have to keep controlling me or affecting me. Easier said than done. Its a constant battle, which of late I have been struggling with and felt like I was loosing.
Recently, I have decided that I was definitely going to try and get back into Uni. I have made some really bad choices over the last few years, the consequences of which are still affecting my life today. Basically, I have been given chance after chance after chance to sort my life out, prepare for and ace my exam and go back to uni. Well i screwed that up 4 years in a row. And now because I have buried my head in the sand, not paid my tution fee because i cant really afford it, I cant take my exam anyway. And the thing is, every chance I have been given I have squandered. I haven't prepared for my exam, I havent even prepared this next one I cant now take!
SO perhaps I am not meant to do it. But every bone in my body is screaming to me that I should be studying and doing my exams. So what is holding me back. Is it still my fear of failure? Is it something new. Or is it simply, I'm not meant to be doing it and haven't worked out what the hell it is i am meant to be doing with my life.
Can anyone make sense of this? Can anyone make sense of my life and the mess I'm in?