After so much pain and worry I've been finally sleeping in my room for two weeks. I was thrilled that it went so well, but of course, yesterday I had my first panic attack in bed since about a month. I was so sick about sleeping in my room alone, feeling all that unnecessary anxiety wash over me again. I'm not a swimming and I don't surf, but I can't help but think that I'm drowing and being constantly held under water with waves crashing on top of me one by one as I get sucked down into the current. They say when you get stuck in a rip tide to swim sideways. How can you know to swim sideways when you don't even know which direction you're in to begin with?

Today was still bad. And now I'm debating whether or not to plead with my parents to sleep with me in the living room again. They've put away the air mattress and I feel like a failure asking them to do this for me again. I don't plan on it being several nights. I don't plan on this staying. I just need some support tonight before things get too bad again.

On a positive note, it's been proven that it was hormones that sent me into my first anxiety/panic fit over three months ago. That's why I know this can't last. As soon as I stopped taking the birth control pills my life began going back to the way it used to be–anxiety and panic free. I still had my rough days, but I know I'm on the track to being healthy again.

Just not today. I feel horrible today. And to make things worse, we've had terrible weather for the past few days and still another couple to come. A tornado hit Hattiesburg–destroying some of the university. Things just keep making me feel worse and worse. I need the sun and my normal self to come out from behind the clouds again.