I don't write often, though I probably should more frequently. I sometimes read other's posts, and then I find myself wondering how it is that the members of this community manage to get by, and here I am, hardly capable of coping with comparatively minor compulsions. I suppose this is the joy of the self-doubting – "I must want it to be this way" part of the cycle.

Tonight, however, I could be on the edge of something monolythic. As I am sure that you can understand, I experience cycles inside of cycles, with spin-off cycles the reflect unto themselves in an almost metaphysical fractal pattern of human thought. For the last two or three months I have been living in the low parts of (pardon the following crude language) a cluster-fuck of cycles. My team leader at work, unsatisfied with the time it was taking for me to progress in my projects, he spelled out a specific list of dates for achieving certain marks. If only he understood that the work was bogged down, because I was having to monitor and analyze so much, most of which was unpredictable, that it was spinning off too many cycles for me to handle. At work – I am an engineer – I am considered to be a "purist". That is to say that I do not like to leave rough edges in my work for the sake of just finishing it. It isn't a choice. I really do not know how to leave the edges that won't be likely to have an impact alone.

Fastforward, I spent nearly two weeks diverted from my work to train someone that essentially replaced me in my daily responsibilities, and was put on probation. I was then sent out of town for a week on business (sick as a dog), was back a week, and then my Grandfather died without more than a few days notice that it was even going to happen. So, travel with one day of arrangements 1200 miles away again. All in all, over the course of six weeks, I had no chance of getting anymore work done on the projects.

When I came back, I was making good progress on my projects, truly. It was the best work I had done in some time. I even devised an entirely new method of doing what I had been bogged down in (not having had adequate training to do it the other way). I had to completely teach myself how to do what I did, but I took a project that had been in progress for months, started from scratch, and in a couple days time, I had what they wanted, with only a few small bugs to work out. The boss seemed really happy, and I felt useful for the first time in a very long while.

Despite doing well, I was still mentally weary, and over the Independence day weekend I did something that I have not been able to do much of in a long while. Yes, that's right, I smoked marijuana. I am so sorry that it doesn't conform to the American vision of how we are supposed to achieve alternative cognition (a neccessary thing in one form or another from time to time that has been a part of human nature since we lived in caves btw). Why did I do it? Simply, because it sooths my mind and brings these vicious cycles to a hault.

I came back to work on Monday, and recieved an email that said I was to have a physical on Tuesday. This worried me of course, so I did something that I have not done since the fourth grade. I called in sick, despite being well. I could never get in touch with anyone, so I left messages. That day I tested myself, and did come up clean. I thought all was well, and that though it was through devious means, I had taken something of a sabatical. But, that evening I got a call from my team leader. He told me not to come to work the next day, and to wait until they called me later in the week. He would not say why. Tomorrow is Friday, and I have not yet heard from him.

For most of my time in this job I have been convinced that I would eventually get fired. Tomorrow it may actually happen, and I might go crazy. So, I guess I will have to wait and see what happens.