My daughter did not come home again last night. It has been 3 days this time. I am not really sure I know where she is. I know who she told me she was with, but I can't tell this time if she is using again and lying, or if she is as innocent as she wants me to believe. Wait, I just answered my own doubt with that last thought, what else would she be doing out there? Why would I want to deny what I has not failed me yet, my instinct on this issue. Alarm bells are screaming in my head, and still I want to believe she just needed her own space. She has complained each time she comes home that my house makes her feel restless. I think I understand that, but a tiny voice in my head keeps telling me that is an excuse to use.
So, I am resigning myself to this path, at least for the forseeable future. I am working on all manner of cognitive behavioral stuff…. you know, change your thinking, change your life. All this, in order to be a stronger person in the face of something so monumental. Survival isnt always about releasing negative things from my past, its also about preparing and bolstering myself for challenges to come. The protection of self as the motivating emotion that allows me to sort out real from unreal. Each episode, I learn again what is needed here. I long for the days when I could soothe away the hurt and pain by wrapping my arms around her and whispering affirmations in her childs ear. No one told me that I would be tested intensly as my relationship with her changes , evolves and grows. How was I to know that the changes in the one relationship I viewed as solid would rock my foundation to the core? I give a nod to the very real fact that THIS is about me, not her. It is about my own journey to wellness and the tests of faith are mine.
And another day….. I am grateful for the people in my life. The purpose in my life….and I am grateful for another day.