Been gone for a little while now with the holidays and what not. Over all it was fine…had a good time seeing my parents and brother. Had a good little creative session that I kinda wish that I’d been better at. Got my long awaited 11th tattoo. And before all of that even began I had the worst panic attack that I’ve had in years. I’ve not felt that way, that scared in a very very long time. I can now safely say that I’m glad that my attacks have lessened and even when I do get them it is nothing as horrific as the one I had a week ago Tuesday evening.
I was driving down the 2 hours to get to my old home town to meet up with my mom and brother and to get my tattoo. I was more then half way there when this huge semi truck which I was passing decided that he too needed to be in my lane. I was about midway up on him when he started to quickly change lanes. The highway between Phoenix and Tucson is only 2 lanes for most of the way so I had no where to go. I laid on my horn and was moving slightly over into the dirt and gravel, going 75 mph (the speed limit). I had to brake hard which made the wheels under me feel even more chaotic and unsteady. Fortunately the cars behind me had realized what was going on and had backed off so that I could safely put the brake on and get out of the idiot truck’s way. He then passed whatever it was he was moving over for and then proceeded back to the slow lane. As I drove by I oddly had enough sense and anger to be able to flip him off for almost causing a serious car accident. After I’d passed him it kind of all hit…All of what had happened all of the fear and panic flooded in. I began to hyperventilate and was numb from my body outwards. I couldn’t feel my arms or legs and was so scared of either blacking out while driving on the freeway or trying to pull off to the side of the road and wrecking because I couldn’t feel myself. I was able to scramble for my phone and hit the last person I called which thankfully it was my mom. I had to calmly tell her that I needed her to talk me out of a panic attack because I knew if I’d of answered in the freaked out voice that I knew would come out she would then get worried more then she probably needed to. So I was able to compose my voice just long enough to tell her that I was okay but needed some serious help with calming me down. Thankfully she got me to feel confident enough to pull off the road and to sit on the side while I flipped out crying and shaking so hard that I couldn’t talk in any conceivable manner. My body was so mangled from the anxiety I couldn’t even properly hold the phone because my hands were all mangled with tension. I sat on the side of the road for a good 15-20 mins while I told my mom everything that had happened.
Since that happened I’ve found it extremely difficult to travel on the freeway next to big trucks. I’ve always had a problem passing them and not knowing if they were going to suddenly change lanes. I’d been having driving anxiety before all this and now it’s gotten worse. I had to drive back home Saturday late afternoon and was nervous as hell. Relieved that there were hardly any large trucks but still nervous about all the other drivers. Last night when I wasn’t even driving we were next to this huge tour bus and I told Bryan I needed him to get out of the lane that was directly next to him. I couldn’t handle it and was starting to panic then. I suppose that I’m worried … I can still drive, I have to. I don’t have a choice really because of work and school and so I push myself on because of all that. But I’m worried that things will be harder…that I am going to be more afraid and feel even further out of control then I’d already felt.
Anyways…That’s that…I’ve not had internet and haven’t had a way of venting all of this for almost a week now. So its good to finally have that out in a blog and out of my system. I hope you all had a great holiday and that you all are looking forward to an even better new year.
Much love,
Jade
