Lingering in a land of uncertainty,  

Questioning even the slightest of movements.

Continue to worry about what other people think–

And, yet, the anxiety over interaction remains to smother me.

Why?  What have they done for me?  What difference does it make, anyway?  They don’t pay my bills nor take care of me in any other form or fashion….  i am determined to get a grasp on my own life.  i am determined to stop letting the pain beat me and keep me stagnant.  Something has got to change, and if that’s ever going to happen, i have to do it for myself.  No one else can do it for me, no matter what some may claim.

i know, as of late, i’ve actually been doing some things that i’m not exactly proud of…it’s basically been to get out and try to find some enjoyment in life….BUT, at what cost?  Am i really paying enough attention to my surroundings to feel safe?  Not totally.  i know that.  And, i’m not an adrenaline junky, either…so, the only thing i can surmise:  i’m behaving a bit erratic.  Either that, or just a bit careless.  *sigh  i have to admit, though, i’ve enjoyed several of my recent outings–sometimes, it’s just the ‘other’ company–someone other than my normal company.  ya know?  Other times, i have to admit there’s a high level of uncertainty, so of course my senses are heightened, and that makes me react even quicker.  —i get there’s an aspect of it, that this is probably something that i might’ve experienced at least a couple of decades ago, under “normal” circumstances–or so i’ve been told.  But, my entire adult life +, i’ve been taking care of and helping other people in my life….And, since i don’t have anyone to answer to–so to say, anyway–at present, i am actively working on some enjoyment in my life–and, of course, a great deal of my enjoyment comes from other people’s enjoyment.  Anyway, long story shortened:  i’m still a work in progress and i also have to be a bit wary, and not be so careless.  i know.

OK…enough of that for now.  woooooooooooosssssssssssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

i finally have a new therapist–my appointment is tomorrow morning.  i suppose we’ll have quite a bit to discuss, but this will most likely be just the initial meet-n-greet-session.  *sigh  i really hate that it’s been this long since i’ve seen someone, but ehhh it is what it is and i had no control over timing.  *shrugging  Guess i need to work on a list–of sorts–so i can get my thoughts organized a bit beforehand…..  So, for now, i guess that’s where my mind needs to be, so i can get the most objective input i can….maybe.

For anyone who may possibly decide to read this, please be assured that YOU matter, in this life!  YOU are somebody!  YOU can do the possible–that’s the only real choices we have in this life–but, nothing is impossible….  No matter how improbable something may seem, it is never impossible.  Be well–or as well as YOU can be!  Take care of yourselves and know someone truly cares.  🙂

  1. samarkand 4 years ago

    And YOU matter too @delane1!!!

    Glad to hear you’ve been going out and finding some enjoyment in life – I hope you’re not putting yourself at risk though.

    Hope, hope, hope your first therapist appointment in a while yields positive results.


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      delane1 4 years ago

      Thank you for your comments, samarkand. ***Hugs***
      i feel like every time i leave the room i’m ‘at risk’ of something happening. *sigh
      Just gotta keep pushing forward….trying, at the very least.
      i’m sure there was some reason i didn’t quite grasp yesterday, but she made sure i
      knew how to contact the “mobile crisis unit,” just in case i was having a really tough time…..

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