Hello everyone. I'm new here on this website and I'm hoping to connect with others like me and meet friends. Yes. Meet "friends" on the internet. Can't believe I'm thinking that, but that's what I'm wanting. I had a therapist for three years and she was absolutely fantastic. I've been going without her for a little over a year now and I feel like I'm starting to fall apart. I met an amazing guy whom we'll call my "amazing guy" and my therapist helped me to stay with him and not push him away. Because that's what I do. I push people away. Especially the good people. I tend to keep the useless people in my life and push away the good. But not once I met him. He has kept me sane. Kept me independant and in love all at once. I didn't think I could do that. But I am finding myself slipping and I am finding that I honest to God want to MARRY this man. Now since we've been together for nearly two years now this may seem like a reasonable desire at our point in the relationship. But with me – this is my time where I either break up with the guy or I get engaged with him. Literally. I've been "engaged" four times in my life, and shortly after I get the ring we break up. And this all happens around that 18 month – 2 year mark, if we make it that long. I don't want my "amazing guy" to turn into all my other guys. But I love him so much and our relationship right now has been going so good. We've had our problems. But nothing major, which is a good sign. He deals with my anxiety and he does it in a good way. My ex-husband was very abusive and very mean about my anxiety attacks. He told me once he was going to "throw me into a mental hospital", and he'd say other stuff like that. Then there was a boyfriend who acted like I had a deathly illness and couldn't do anything for myself. I've had many guys who once they see the real me they high tail it out of there. But this one – he's different. He seems to get me. And he scares the shit out of me. I know this doesn't sound like it has to completely with my anxiety but it does.
My anxiety – every single night (like right now) I feel sick to my stomache that he is cheating on me (because of what I have done to good guys in the past) and I feel sick to my stomache because I think he doesn't love me as much as I love him. Every morning I feel sick to my stomache because I have to get out of bed and face the day. I have to go to school and speak to people. I have to delegate to people in my organization that no one seems to give a shit about. (I somehow became president of our student veterans organization on my college campus). I am expected to delegate and articulate to people and I honest to God CANNOT do this. It is torture of the worst kind. Every day I have some kind of meeting I hate life so much. It makes me want to hide away in my house all day and do nothing. But then I will find a day to do just that, and at the end of the day, when it's time to pick my son up from school I hate myself because all I did was stay in bed all day and hide from the world. And I hate that when my son is around I still have this little ball of anxiety in my stomache. I have to keep going for him. It takes all my strength to not curl up in a ball on the couch and rock back and forth. Because that's all I want to do all the time. I hate it. I want it to go away.