I’m new to this website actively seeking out other like minded people!
I’ve suffered with anxiety since my days in high school. It primarily stems from low self-esteem, low self-worth, depression and the list goes on…
I actively sought and went to hypnotherapy for social anxiety. I had really bad irrational, over-thinking thoughts surrounding speaking in front of people, resulting in skipping school/going bright red/paranoia etc…
Since receiving therapy my anxiety died down, even during times of stress or situations where my anxiety became exploited at university e.g. public speaking. I still managed to keep it together but recently my anxiety is creeping back again.
I look at my life and think what have i got to be anxious about? I have a loving partner who I have been with for 7 years, I have a job which I love, we are moving into our first apartment (moving out of the in-laws YAY!) in two weeks. Everything should be great.. shouldn’t it?
But for some reason my anxiety is creeping in, i have spent nearly all of half term break (I work in a school) in bed. I have spent the week as an emotional wreck, crying unnecessarily, over thinking any and all situations. Hating myself, what I look like, who I am. I don’t know what is wrong with me but at the moment I have no motivation, my brain cannot shut off and i am retreating to my old adolescent ways. Emotional eating is also a biggy for me, creating an endless vicious self-destructing circle.. but that’s a whole blog by itself.
Take a recent situation, mother in-law (to be) invited me to a cocktail event with just her over text, with my partner and his dad going out to the pub separately . Immediately I begin over thinking, the idea of this situation makes me feel sick, I become upset and ignore the text. The next day I’m asked if I have seen it, I obviously lie (as I always do) claiming that I have only just seen it. After hours of deliberating I reply, being honest, telling her how i feel. I get a reply of ‘O.K’ – the irrational thoughts start up again, what does O.K mean? Is it O.K 🙂 or O.K 🙁 ?? or is it just a genuine O.K… Later on my partner then tells me that no one is now going out (mother in-law and both my partner & father in-law) because i said i didn’t want to. Begin the over-thinking again, how bad i am that i have stopped everyone else going out, spending the rest of the night upset with my mind over playing the situation again and again.
My local authority has self-referral IAPT. So i think i might contact them and see where i can go from there.
I’m sorry for the rant. I don’t expect any replies to this, It just feels good to get it out in writing instead of staying in this shitty head of mine.
For those that have read this – a big genuine thank you.