I feel down in the dumps. Defeated and wish it was all over. I’m so tired of this life. I don’t want to end it all, so that’s not a real issue, it’s just how I feel. I don’t like where I live, but my wife won’t move. I’m unemployed and I have only had one job I ever liked, and I’m no longer qualified for it, and at 51 it’s not like starting over is easy. I have physical limitations now relating to my vision, my back and other painful things that are starting to happen to me. I’m responsible for paying the bills, and we don’t make enough. No one will give me an interview for a job and that’s depressing. I don’t want a job anyway, but I’ll take one to pay the bills. I want to write, but I don’t for some reason I’m not sure of. I can write. I write well. I’m as drop out so I can’t get jobs writing, I have to make it all on my own. I have ADHD and I had to stop taking meds when the DEA made it a requirement to take off from work to go to the doctor to pick up my prescriptions each month and then I lost my job and can’t afford it. So now I feel lost and in an oblivion all the time. I’m a drain on my wife and I have anger issues that are exacerbated by my lack of meds and anxieties and such. She deserves much better than me. I don’t know what I deserve. My people would tell me I don’t “deserve” anything, I have to earn it all. I don’t feel like I have the ability to earn anything. I have no one to talk to except my wife and she’s no help because she can’t understand my situation. She’s nice and sweet about it, but she’s not educated about mental health. I can’t make myself do this I don’t want or like to do and that’s hurting us very badly. That fact isn’t motivating for me. The biggest issue is that any motivations I get, seldom last more than a single day. My mind dances around from one thing to another and I’m soon on another topic and I’ve lost that feeling of motivation. Without my meds, I”m completely screwed. With them, I was better, not perfect but I’d never felt normal before that. I didn’t get on meds until I was in my 40’s. I had never developed any strategies only coping behaviors. Those behaviors were to hide my true self and my feelings from everyone around me because I’m not like most people I know. I disagree with most people I’ve ever known about most things. All in all, I think most people would call me a malcontent. But I’m not opposed to contentment, in fact, I strive for it, but it can only come when you get what you want or accept what you have. I’m not the type of person to accept misery like many in my family have done. I need more out of my life that they did. I’ve had very little and yet in ways, I’ve had more than many, but by no means have I live in extravegance. I just feel defeated all the time. I don’t want to give up on my dreams but I also don’t know how to make them happen. People say take action and make it happen. I have no money to take action. I have options here at home and yet I WON’T DO THEM ALL THE TIME LIKE I SHOULD and I don’t know why I won’t. I’m losing a war to myself.

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