It has been a while since I have said “I’m fine” to anyone close to me.

This winter season is constantly gloomy – dark, with rain. The clouds increase my headache frequency, and the rain and cold make for a difficult and dreary waking and drive into work. The job has been using a lot of my time – I take 12-hr days when I can, but the 1/2 hour lunches are mandatory. The calls are voiced by succubi who live off of drained energy feeding through the connection. They are constant – the last couple of days accumulated over 100 calls each. I must work the extra hours because I need to:

1. fix my car

2. pay extra rent due to one roommate leaving

3. feed my habit (in moderation)

4. pay down $20k in credit card bills

5. pay over $60k in medical bills

6. pay court costs (also I’m driving on a suspended license, yay)

7. pay school debt

… let’s not even discuss the student loans currently in forbearance.

The holidays are here and I want to be able to buy gifts but I have no idea how to do that. I’ve skipped the last few years. I’m not looking forward to holidays anymore – the last few years have taken a brutal toll. Fucking December.

I can’t balance work with doctor appointments or the therapy that I need. The long hours trigger negative feelings, anxieties, and depression. I am completely out of bipolar meds and can’t get more until I start seeing a psychiatrist, and they will want to put me on a program which I can’t commit to because my job does not allow time off for such things, since I’m working through a temp agency and apparently there is no such thing as sick time,. I could coordinate some unpaid contractor-time-off BUT that has to be approved in advance, and I can’t determine if the time will be approved when I am setting up appointments.

Anxiety is kicking in tonight – I may need to medicate. In addition to bipolar disorder, anxiety and PTSD, I am gifted with the lack of hearing. Fortunately I am able to borrow a set of hearing aids for this job, until I get real benefits, but the downside to these are that the over-ear design is extremely uncomfortable with my headset at work. The wires dig into the tops of my ears and the headphone presses against the case in the back. The sound is increased, but that included unwanted noise like paper rustling, and does not do much to differentiate voices from other sounds. I take the aids off when I get home, but have lately been told that I need to wear them at home also. This is incredibly frustrating.

I need to purchase winter clothes, a new wardrobe overall, including essentials like underwear and pajamas, Everything I have is old, and I need to present well at work, at the least. I find myself wanting to let go of my appearance – who really cares what I look like anyway? And I have let go a big step. I’ve lost the care that advancing in my job would require. I lack motivation or energy to improve my knowledge or take on new projects if offered. My outlook lately is incredibly despondent.

Suicidal thoughts have been invading my mental space and I’ve not rushed them away. I seriously wish for a miracle or a surprise benefactor. I have considered letting myself go crazy, getting admitted to the psych ward again due to these thoughts. But I can’t yet bring myself to do that to my roommates or anyone who would have to care for my stuff and cats while I am away. I need someone to take control of my life – my performance lately has been abysmal.