I want to be honest with everyone, I want to watch the truth cut them like its cut me but half of them are too ignorant to take the truth as the truth and it makes it all that much worse. To think that the whole world is falling down around them and all they care about is who's on american idol or what happens on lost. I hate writing now because I can't read it back to myself and not feel angry and sick. I am uncomfortable with strong emotion or maybe emotion in any form. When I get hurt, I can't handle it, I freak out I hurt myself. When I'm angry I want to kill someone or myself and it just eats away at me inside. I don't know how to handle other peoples emotions, I don't even know how to handle a normal conversation with most people.
I can't wrap my mind around being with someone who makes me happy. My mind will not allow me to pursue this avenue. I don't know if its because I subconsciously always keep myself in a state of severe depression for shits and giggles or because I just have such intense anxiety of the unknown. I can't stand being around people, I feel constantly judged and I always wish I could be reading their minds even if they were thinking bad shit at least I wouldn't be constantly paranoid. And I'm trying to talk myself down, and do what I call "swallowing my emotions" I just kinda picture putting them somewhere else and then I don't feel anything…I dunno if its really working but being apathetic to everything is better than thinking about it all at once.
I have these brief fantasies that I can be normal and just do what anyone else would do in my shoes you know. Be proactive and risk taking, inventive, fun things….I don't know. I stand at my job greeting all sorts of different people for hours and sometimes I see people I know or knew and sometimes its just people I wish I knew…I feel extremely lonely maybe because I've alienated all my friends. And then again whenever I talk to someone or start to become friends with someone I rarely talk to them anyway…I feel lonely but I don't want to be around anyone or talk to anyone. All I really want is to be alone and I know that will not happen because of how I ruined my life and have a fucking part time job while living at my parents house. I either move in with one of two guys or my mother who alone makes me ten times more depressed than possible on an average day.
My other guy friend even told me, he knew that if I continue on this path of mine that I'd eventually kill myself. And of course he's right, I think about it everyday wishing I could just up and do it but the truth is I want to alienate everyone from me…Not so I dont' feel guilty or w/e but so I can finally be at peace for once in my life and so none of their words or opinions will mean anything because I want to make sure they have nothing to do with my after life but of course in order to do that I'd have to have money and do I? No. Will I? Probably not. So I have to settle for possibly killing myself in this house? This house disgusts me, it is like my personal hell that I have to be in every day of my life as penance for every thing I ever did but of course that all sounds really dramatic and I this is why I hate my feelings because they all just sound stupid and trite compared to everything else or nothing else really they just sound stupid. FUCK…….I don't know what to do with my life anymore…I'm really just waiting to kill myself at this point. I can't live dating a guy who hurts me constantly because I killed him emotionally over the few years we've dated. And I can't be with a guy who makes me happy to a degree but I avoid every chance I get…I'm just tired of relationships and life in general…I wish my parents would have died when I was younger…made me mroe independent and self sufficient…are those the same thing? Anyways..I really dislike humans and that whole need for connection…It drives me insane and I hate feeling which t hey cause me to do..I do love animals though…I'd much rather see cute bunnies and kitties and puppies everywhere than people…But I wish a lot of things and I know none of them will come true… People tell me to be more optimistic but it really isn't that easy when you know what I know about the world..or know what most of the world SHOULD know but don't because they're too ignorant..but hey that's not bad because after all ignorance is bliss.
And why does shopping make me feel better? Maybe because having money makes me feel secure and using it to buy things for myself makes me feel mroe self sufficient in a manner of speaking…See I could be my own therapist if I didn't hate myself so much. And I have no hope in therapists…they can't tell me anything I couldn't tell myself, I've been to enough to kjnow that..half of them i have to humor. I dunno…and I don't believe drugs can make life stop sucking..I mean I smoke marijuana because it makes me forget for awhile it makes smaller things more obvious than all the huge garish problems…but I really don't think more serotonin would make me stop hating my family or hurting over life and shit…its all lots of shit..E might make me love everyone but Im' not hankering for holes in my brain quite yet. But w/e none of this will get me anywhere as if all of it wasn't depressing enough, I'm stuck HERE! GODDDDD KILL ME …too bad there isn't one…or is it…I actually really like the fact that nothing will happen when I die. Finally peace and quiet none of that religious bullshit that bored me the beginning part of my life. Religion is only so popular because it comforts people about the unknown of the "afterlife" but come on people…really…
Ah I give up..one day i'll muster upthe courage to bite the big one