Why do I feel so fucking exhausted at this moment? I got pretty good amount of sleep last night…. although I'm definitely not in a good mood…. and of course, I completely blame Frank for it…. because… ya know…. that's what I life for.
Friday night: went to jersey right after work because I had a dentist appointment at 8:45am yesterday morning.
Saturday: After the dentist, my mom booked massages/manicures/pedicures for us at this place in Closter, I think. It was ok, but the massage wasn't perfect. Some staff members there were also a little bitchy and I don't think my mom noticed when they were talking down to her, she's very naive. Went back to the house, put my laundry in the wash, went to Marshall's…. mom bought me 2 cute pairs of boots, a bunch of undies, and even 3 bras!! Yes, I think I may start wearing bras again… haha… I call it my attempt at joining the living. By the time we got back to the house, Frank had arrived and started doing his laundry. Since he brought my running sneakers with him, we went for a run.. kind of thru Hillsdale and it was really nice… we ran 2 miles total!!!! I don't think I've ever done that before, but I paced myself and I must say that he was an excellent little coach. Then we showered, put on more laundry, went to Harmon and spent like $60 (I of course picked up the tab on that one).. although their prices are pretty reasonable and it was all stuff that we actually needed…. then we went back to the house, gathered all the laundry, and drove off. Wait, rewind a bit…. after we showered, Frank was sitting outside playing guitar… and we were kind of trying to plan our evening… the plan was to meet up with Lauren, Jake, & Kel at Strawberry Fields for Lennon's 70th bday nonsense and to have dinner at Blossom around 6…. but we knew we were running late so 6 turned into 6:30… then 7… then 7:30…. and so on…. there was traffic on Rt. 4 so Frank tried to figure out some alternate route thru Fort Lee on his iPhone but there was traffic and unexpected one-way streets on every turn, so we were extra-late and just had to meet them at the restaurant. Wait, sorry, rewind again… while we were still at my parent's house and I was on the phone with Jake, Frank unreasonably barked some shit at me… i.e, "JUST FUCKING TELL THEM THAT WE'LL MEET THEM AT THE RESTAURANT AT 6:45" or some shit like that…. completely fucking loud and rude and uncalled for and Jake clearly heard it and it was just a nice little reminder that I'm with this guy who really doesn't respect me or care about my feelings, regardless if he thinks he does… and it's really fucking masochistic that I both acknowledge and tolerate this behavior from him, year after year after year and he neither acknowledges it nor tries to improve his actions….. and it's just something that I kind of live with because I don't think I deserve someone who respects me because I admittedly do not respect myself. Aaaaaanyway, that kind of put me in a slightly sad mood, then Frank started to get really angry and impatient when we hit all that traffic on the way into the city and he kept getting mad that I wasn't being helpful w/ his iPhone for figuring out an alternate route even though we were just as late…. I was pretty quiet at dinner and didn't feel good about myself… etc etc… and we had loose plans of possibly going to this event that one of Kelly's vendors gave her 4 free tickets to… Jake had earlier described it as a wine & dessert tasting thing…. obviously as a vegan of course I wouldn't expect to partake too much in the dessert part…. but otherwise I would've like to have gone for the wine part…. but the problem was that she only had 4 tickets… but Frank was also possibly planning on going to Parilli's housewarming party…. but then he claimed that he didn't want to go by himself but why the fuck would I want to go to that asshole's party? I think he was just more offended that he would be left out of the winetasting bullshit and because Kelly was involved… anyway… near the end of dinner, Kelly just conveniently brings up the fact that it's MAINLY as dessert-tasting event and that even the beverages would be cream-based so we probably wouldn't have a good time….. clearly she was trying to talk us out of going…. but whatever I don't really care…. then they left the restaurant shortly thereafter and we stayed a bit longer to have dessert, and didn't go to Parilli's party….. haha and we didn't even make it over to the Park this year….. whatever, that shit's so fucking tired anyway. Then we went home…. Frank was working on a new song in the kitchen while I was laying in bed watching a movie on netflix… I also tried some of our CH and was nice and relaxed after a while, didn't even want to move… plus, I had to get up at 7:30am yesterday so I was really fucking beat. So after a while, Frank comes in and wants me to sit in the kitchen to listen to his new song. He was playing it while I was eating a bag of carrots. (Please keep in mind that our kitchen is sooo fucking tiny). After a minute or two, I got up to put the carrots back in the fridge (which is stil merely 12 inches away from Frank so I was still listening perfectly well), and he FREAKED OUT!!!! He just stopped playing abruptly and put his guitar away and went off about how I was so fucking rude and un-caring and blah blah blahhhh….. and of course I apologized and maybe it was slightly rude of me but I honestly still don't think so, being the fridge is right next to his head so I was literally still listening… and he was like "you need to sit down and really listen to the words that I'm saying when I play the song" or some ego-maniacal statement like that…. ugghhhh his personality can be so fucking repulsive…… THEN we kind of just turned off all the lights and went to bed….. I got in bed a few moments before he did, under the covers because I was cold…. then he had to re-hash the whole fucking thing when I was just trying to fucking fall asleep.. and he was like "and now ur just all tired and drugged out and ur not gonna fuck me" and wah wah wahhh…. ooohhh yes frank, all the bickering just made me so fucking wet for u….. what bullshit… so I just continued to apologize some more, trying to sound sincere so he would shut the fuck up because all I wanted to do at that point was go to fucking sleep and then I apologized for not wanting to fuck but I was honestly really beat because I was up since 7am and blah blah blah and he was like "okayyy, fine" and he finally shut the fuck up and we went to sleep.
Today: Woke up still in a shitty mood but of course to Frank it was like it never happened, no fucking skin off his nose. He's performing at the farmer's market right now… I was honestly planning on going to video just the second set, but I have an excuse not to go because I'm working on sketches for the bees and hopefully the sketchy T-shirt…. but I'm feeling extremely unmotivated and uninspired…. mostly because I'm still really upset with Frank…. he's such a fucking asshole of a human being and totally takes me for granted… but I'm definitely guilty of taking him for granted… but maybe if he wasn't an asshole I wouldn't…. imagine that?
I strongly want to embrace my sexuality and share myself with someone else… I want to fall in love although it scares me to think about it…. I have love for Frank and I always will but I'm definitely not in love with him and I honestly I don't know if I ever was to begin with… he just took me as his little captive many years ago…. and here I am.