I suck.

Worries, lies, compromises, shortcuts, laziness, alcohol, razorblades, and mediocre (at best) personal qualifying, drugs that dont work and fruitless therapy is what I contend with. OCD wins every god damn time.

Spiritually conflicted, isolated, numb, (check the stove for 30 minutes) frustrated, lonely, scared, ( are you sure the door is locked?)

I suck.

People laugh, and stare, (why wouldnt they?) I would too, if I were in their shoes.  It hurts when they laugh.  I want to laugh at them, if I werent too busy counting to certain numbers, and doubting my abilities to lock a door to the point of blistering and bleeding-

Someone called the police on me while I was checking a locked door at my job- ( 125 times)  guess they thought I was trying to break in-

I sought refuge through ocdtribe – ( way better than therapists ) you guys know-and dont ask irrelevant dumbass questions –

I left when I thought I was better.  I was taking two doses of seroquel and 2 doses of prozac a day – made me feel worse – cutting myself, and one trip to the ER –

seroquel is evil – and I blame my permanent scars on it.

I stopped taking all medication – withdrawal symptoms were worth it to get off that shit.

My therapist told me to embrace some kind of spirituality-

I am considered by some sources to be a militant agnostic –

BUT—

I ask my ‘faith’ friends why they believe in their particular deity ( Im not preachy – I really want to know) – and my reception to this subject is overrun with defensive, sarcastic excuses. I realize that religion is a touchy subject to begin with, so I am discrete in my inquiries-

They tell me to shut up, and to ask someone else.

If anyone is ocd and spiriually conflicted, please respond –

thanks tribe,

jeff309