I first  noticed my OCD when I was 6 when I had to always keep my hand on my chest to make sure my heart was still beating, I was afraid it would stop. I found myself looking forward to the pledge of allegiance because it gave me an excuse to put my hand on my chest to check my heart.  By the time I was 8 my anxiety had peaked to the point that I gave myself ulcers which is very rare in children.  I have had my fear of food contamination the longest and between that and the ulcers I have often lost so much weight that I almost needed to be hospitalized.  In the past few years I have started having agoraphobia to the point where I rarely leave my apartment.  I hate driving, highways, traffic, having to be places at a certain time for extreme fear of being late. I'm afraid of strangers I always think they are going to hurt me or kill me or are thinking bad thoughts about me. I fear authority figures, police officers, bosses, doctors etc.  I can barely work because I'm constantly afraid I'm going to get in trouble or reprimanded even if I've done nothing wrong.  I have panicked and quit several really good jobs and was unable to finish college because of my illness.  I feel guilty and worried all the time.  I want it all to go away.  I have tried medication Zoloft and Lexapro and neither worked for me.  Zoloft made me a zombie and sometimes hallucinate, and Lexapro did nothing.  I want to try therapy, but because I can't work I can't afford it.  I'm hoping to find some free or low cost help in Texas so if anyone has suggestions I would much appreciate it.  We shall see how it goes. 

3 Comments
  1. jlion 12 years ago

    I was just online trying to find free support groups in my area, I saw there was a couple listed in Texas…not sure what city, but it was on meetup.com. I understand leaving the house and strangers is difficult for you, but just thought I would mention it incase you were interested. Best of luck.

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  2. hancey 12 years ago

    I am sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you.  The situation seems worsened by your fear of doctors, as that might be a stumbling block to getting some help.  Are you in a place where there is a university that might have a teaching program for psychologists or a medical school with a psychiatry training program?  If so, they may have some low (or no) cost options for treatment.  Contact ocfoundation.org (or they have now changed their name to international oc foundation so the URL may have changed) to see if they have any options listed in your area.  Best wishes. 

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  3. valkyriedoom 12 years ago

     Thanks for all the suggestions..I'm still looking and will let everyone know if I find something.  I do have a fear of doctors, but I don't think this would carry over to therapists because I don't imagine them being cold and treating me like my illness is my fault.  That is my main fear with doctors, I used to have doctors accuse me of having an eating disorder when I would get sick due to being malnourished and underweight.  I have never luckily had body image issues and always wish I could gain 20 lbs and not look like a skeleton.  I have also been accused of drug use because I am so skinny and pale and extremely nervous and high strung but it is something I absolutely do not do. On top of that without medical insurance I can only get minimal care and have had doctors and nurses be rude to me about that.   It makes me feel horrible when I get treated like this. I start to think that people want me to die and my life has no value.  I have mostly gotten over that fear lately though because I was recently hospitalized with a severe kidney infection and the doctors were very nice and helpful even though I do not have insurance they went above and beyond to help me..so while the idea still makes me nervous I'm willing to be strong and do what I need to do to get help.

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