I used to write in a journal, but i’m too scared to write in it now because i miss how things used to be. I’ll use blogs for now to at least document some of my thoughts and what’s going on.

I’ve always been afraid of change. I get attached to things in my life easily-people, places, work.  Whenever things change, it scares me and it’s hard for me to adjust. I remember when i started cutting myself it was when I moved to a different state durring my last year of high school. I felt so lonely. I’m insanely shy too so meeting people is always a challenge. For maybe the first 4 months i barely did anything other than go to school and spend time in my room at home. I remember finally meeting a girl, she liked me and i went on a few dates with her and ended up liking her too. I was then attached to her for over 2 years. All my pictures when we first started dating I am wearing long sleeve shirts so my cuts wouldn’t show. This attachment helped me cope with moving, and i didn’t cut again for a while.

It was when we broke up for good that i cut again. It helped me cope with the stress and emotional pain. The thing that helped me get over this broken attachment was another girl. Again, basically the first girl that actually took an interest in me. I love this girl. We dated for about 8 months up till a few days ago. I cut a little during our relationships to help ease the pain of arguing. I haven’t cut since we broke up, i have the desire, but no energy or motivation to. I dont want to either, i can be stronger this time. I’m begining to see some patterns though throughout the last 3-4 years. One of my best friends told me that i dont give myself enough credit and that i can do better. But i get so attached to things i become comfortable with to an unhealthy point. It’s frustrating because i feel i’ve just been going in circles the past few years. I want a change and to really move forward. I thought i was moving forward with my last girlfriend, but she didn’t want to put the effort into fixing our relationship, she thought it better to just end it. Yes i get very attached, but i also hate giving up on things. I never want to give up on anyone either. If there’s a problem, i want to fix it. And in relationships i know things can be fixed, but it needs to be a mutual goal. It hurts that she didn’t think the same way. I just want to move forward in life, make some progression that i can see really helps me. I want my happiness to be independent of others and their choices. I have a lot of potential in life, i’m still young, just got a bachelors in psychology, and can do a lot in my future. Just need to leave the past behind and learn from what i can. I wish i could get out of the cycle i seem to be in. Maybe if i showed my counselor/therapist these thoughts it could help…

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