Can’t sleep. Gotta be up in a few hours to work, but sleep won’t come. I lay here in what used to be OUR bed and think about how things always change. I think about how much I’ve changed. The person I used to be and the person I am now. I’ve decided I don’t really like either of them.
The old me was to nice. Getting walked on by everyone. Giving whatever to anyone regardless of the difficulties or troubles it caused me.The new me is cynical and cold. The only people that I can honestly say I trust and would give my life for are my daughters.
I think about what this means for my future and it scares the hell out of me. Will I ever love again? Will I be capable of that? And more to the point, will I ever trust again? I don’t think so. She killed that. With my family history, my trust was slightly cracked to begin with. She shattered it into so many pieces that I know it’s gone for good. And that isn’t fair to anyone that I would ever see in the future. Ha! Me see someone again. That’s to funny. It’s been just over a year and I’ve tried to have sex with 2 people. The first was with the ex. Quite a few times we "hooked up" just for sex. Stupid, but it was sex. The one that wasn’t the ex, completely bombed. Wouldn’t work. LMAO and that’s NEVER been a problem before. Quite the opposite actually. Normally things are awake more often then they should be. No more. Then, last week, the ex calls late at night and was horny. I said no at first, but gave in. Went to her apartment. We started to have sex and then I started to think and lost it. It wouldnt’ cooperate anymore. What made me lose it? Thinking that she may be the only one that I’ll ever be able to have sex with. Lol, for me sex has to have feelings involved. And, as much as I hate her, there will always be feelings there I’m afraid. But, I can’t or won’t let myself get feelings for anyone else. I won’t let myself get hurt like that again. So, what’s that mean for my sex life???
Normally, I would pray. Not for sex, but to know what to do from here. A way to move forward. But, I’ve come to the conclusion that God doesn’t exist. He’s not there. There is to much pain and suffering in the world for him to be there. And I’m not talking about my pain and suffering. I mean death, disease, rape, etc…. My pain is small in comparison although it is huge to me. So, I know that he is not there OR worse, he is and just doesn’t care. And don’t spote BS that things always happen for a reason, because there IS no reason for some of the things that happen in this world.
So, here I lay at 1 in the morning. The clock glowing at me from the night stand reminding me that the alarm will be going off all to soon. And I have no one to talk to. No one I can share my feelings with. Friends give that sad look that I hate. They want to help, but I can’t let them. They can’t really anyway. Give a few words like "You’ll get better. Just give it time." Crap, but I smile and nod anyway. It’s been a year. The wounds still feel fresh. I don’t want her back, really. I don’t. But the damage to me is done and I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t want to move forward.
Sorry about the rambling. I know I jumped from topic to topic. Welcome to my head. Enjoy the view?