It\’s the night before this Jazz band audition.  I play trumpet, and I\’m absolutely terrified. It\’s a group audition- so everyone trying out plays the tryout pieces all at the same time, but in this one piece, there\’s a solo, and then each trumpet has to play the solo with the rest of the band, but no other trumpets.  I have a history of choking under pressure, and not being able to play. 

Like, for instance, today, I had this one part where my notes had different rhythms than the other trumpets.  My teacher made me play it solo, and I completely cracked under pressure.  I could barely get the note out, much less play the right rhythms.  But the world didn\’t end, and maybe that\’s something.  I just looked like an idiot. 

There\’s also these two guys in my band class- I\’m paranoid, so naturally I think that they trowell around this site and will find me- so lets call them A and B.  One of them is very attractive, and I am crushing on him a bit.  The other one I just really respect as a person- he\’s one of those people who just really have it all going for them.  Both guys are very talented, are older than me, and just intimidate me to tears.  Not purposefully, of course, but they do nonetheless.  And of course, both will be present when I have to try that solo for the Jazz band tryout. 

I just have this terribe desire for perfection.  I can\’t stand the thought of making a mistake, of not playing this solo without error, which I am absolutely capable of playing correctly.  My stupid OCD is getting in the way again.

For the past four days, I\’ve been in a perpetual state of panic attack.  My chest feels tight nonstop.  I don\’t believe I\’ve stopped trembling for days.  I can\’t breathe, and I just have this constant state of that hot feeling in my chest and stomach, that I know everyone who\’s ever had a panic attack can relate to.

Please pray that I do well.  If you don\’t pray, then try just a quick one for me.  If you still don\’t want to do that, then just wish me luck, please!  I hate this feeling, I feel ready to just quit the darn thing and not go through with the audition, but I really want to be in this band. 

Thanks everyone, for reading my blog.  I\’ll try and complain less next time.  Thanks again.  I feel like I\’m walking to my execution. 

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