Well today was a bad day, woke up at noon, still feeling sleepy so I started surfing the net, watched some CSI. Started getting that feeling again, feeling a little sad and lonely, was on Trillon (MSN) with Jay (bf, fiancee, pretty much hubby without being official) so i asked him for a hug. Guess he didnt get the hint i needed him. just started spacing, tears started rolling for no reason, just felt like i was in the hole again. the same hole i always fall into. was still watching CSI and was just zoned out, Dog came in, didn't even look at him, stomach started growl but i didn't have enough energy to move, hands on the arms of my chair, legs crossed, hand started to fall asleep but i just couldn't move, Jay came in to get his shoes cause it was 2:30 time for him to leave for work, saw me and asked what was wrong, all i could do was shake my head. there was nothing wrong and yet everything was wrong, i felt like shit, i wanted to crawl somewhere and hide, I wish he would understand that, he kept asking i couldn't reply, forming words at that moment seemed like the most impossible thing to do, like climbing the highest mountain. he pulled me out of the chair and held me for a bit and all i could do was cry. sat me down on the bed and my mind started racing, all i wanted was to start pacing the hall, i couldn't calm down, i was shaking a bit, Jay saw and start speaking loud and strong for me to breathe, to close my eyes and focus. this helped alot. he called the dog over and mikey was scared and nervous, he often is when i start crying, he jumped into my lap and scratched my leg, that set me off again, my hands started shaking bad and i wanted to leap up and run, no where special just run. Jay tried to calm me again but i just couldn't focus, he held me and i was able to ask him to talk, about anything even the alphabet, so he did, he did the whole alphabet, by the time he was done i was focused enough to listen to him, he had me breathe and close my eyes, then count to ten, by the end i was almost crying again but i was calmed down. by now it was almost time for him to be at work so he called and said he would be late. He asked me if i was ok to be alone. I told him i really didnt want to be left alone, i was scared. so he told me to get dressed he was taking me to work with him. well i didnt want to go really, i didnt want to be having a episode in front of other people but i didnt want him to call in sick cause of me either. so i got dressed and he grabbed some stuff for me to do, my PSP, a book, my meds and my purse. he got me into the truck and took me to work. it was hot in the truck i knew it was but for some reason the heat didnt bother me like it normaly does, wonder if that was cause i was half spaced. the driving and seeing all the cars kept me calm and relaxed me a bit though i still was half out of it and tears were still falling down my face. He asked me on the way if i had anything to eat today, told him no but do 2 cookies count, he said yes but was upset i hadnt eaten. I know i should have but i wasnt wanting food, my stomach felt hungry and i knew i needed to eat but the last thing i could do was eat. even my favorite Margritas wouldnt have made me want to eat. so he he said i would eat something at his work. we got there and i went and sat down at a table nearest the area where he works (he works at a flash market gas station) thankfully there was napkins on the table so i wiped my face and blew my nose (quietly cause i know i sound like a foghorn) i just sat there with my hands holding my head and the tears fell, i was so scared and ashamed of someone seeing me and asking me whats wrong. i prayed no one would, i dont want to be like this, i dont want people to know, please just let them leave me in peace. But paula, my friend and Jay's co-worker came over, she touched my arm and asked if i was ok, i think. cant remember, that set me off, i started crying and shaking, i couldnt think, could barely breathe, i didnt want to talk to her, i couldnt, but i made my self clam down as best and as fast i could, she just sat there and watched me, she said it was ok, she understood, slowly i told her what was going through my head, lol which was nothing really, told her i was crying for no reason really, and my mind was racing, told her i have depression and possibley manic depression, she asked if i was on meds, i said i was, lexapro, same stuff she is on, told her Jay didnt understand, he kept thinking this is something i can just stop, that i can control. god i wish i could, sometimes i feel like i can, like i a being childish or doing it for attention, sometimes i feel like i can just stop, maybe i can, maybe i am making it up, god and if i am i feel terrible, but i see Jays face when he sees me, i see mikey be so scared, i see my arm after i cut myself, i remember going to the hospital when i tried to kill myself, i dont want to do this, i really dont, when it happens it happens so fast, sometimes i feel it and i can catch it and help myself before it happens, othertimes i fall so fast i dont even realize till i am in the hole already and its too far to reach to pull myself out, of course then i cant speak, cant think, my mind shuts down, i cant call someone or ask for help, all i can do is sit there and cry. if i am faking then why, WHY cant i stop?? i dont want Ava to see me like this, i want to be happy for her and strong, not crying and out of control all the time, anyway, paula took me outside and just started talking, she said she would talk to jay and help him understand, i hope he does, maybe i will have him read this too. maybe this will help him understand whats wrong with me. of course i know u can never know what its like unless u have it, but maybe he will stop asking me so many questions, god when he asks me and i cant talk i want to scream and hit him, of course all i can do at that time is cry and scream in my mind HELP ME JAY, JUST HELP ME! I love him so much, and i cant bear to see him in pain. i dont want him to deal with me like this, i am afraid he will give up on me, i dont know what i will do if he does, i know i am strong at times and can survive alot but losing him….. god i dont think i could do it, not the way i have been lately. though there are many times i want to die, and let him live out his life without, i still think he would be better off without me causing him pain. he tells me that killing my self or hurting myself is way worse then having to deal with, most of the time i believe him, he wouldnt still be with me if he didnt love me that much and want to see me better, other times, when the voice is there telling me bad things, i believe him, ava, the whole world is better off without me, lol Jay told me to tell the voice to fuck off, i have a feeling if Jay could he would punch the voice, i really wish he could, but he cant fight my battles for me, just be there to support me while i fight, i dont know what i would do without him, i love him so much, he is a GREAT man i am so sorry to cause him this pain, i hope he knows that, i hope he knows that without him by my side i would be nothing, its him staying with thats really keeping me fighting, thats keeping me strong, mikey and ava help too but its Jay i fight for, Jay i stay strong for, Jay i want to get better for, he deserves better and if he refuses to find better then me then by god i will try to be better for him. after paula and i talked for while i went back inside, i started to feel alot better, started remembering the baby again (sorry but i just cant think of anyone really when i am like that) and knew i needed to be out of the heat, Jay got me some fruit loops and milk, so i sat and ate, started watching a movie on my psp, after i ate and drank my milk and some water i started to get restless, my mind was clearer though i still felt very sad and down but felt it would be better at home, i told Jay i was gonna go and i would do some shopping then head home and call him when i got there, there was a few good songs on the radio, started singing to them, made me feel a little better, windows down, wind in my hair, radio blasting was still hard as hell to concentrate on driving, i really shouldnt have been driving but i was ok. went to kroger, bad idea to go when ur hungry, bought stuff i know i shouldnt have but tried to keep snacks healthy or if not that then what i was craving, been craving salt alot lately. made myself get a salad, knew i needed to eat when i got him and no way was feeling like making anything, not even a pizza. they didnt have peas but oh well, got fruit bars, dried fruit (expensive but at least healthy snacks) applesauce and that pudding i love so much, the fudge stuff, got dressing for my salad and jam, 2 boxes of frosted mini wheats, lol what can i say i like that type plus it has some stupid spoon it, still a kid i guess shop for cereal by the toy inside. fish sticks, my fav chips and pumkin seeds, Jay will throw a fit but i want salt, got Marie callender tv dinners, way to much and damn they are expensive but FUCK they are good, the one i had the other day tasted like the best thing i have had in years, maybe i was just hungry but oh well, untill it gets cooler and i feel strong mentaly i need easy food, they didnt have popsicles like i wanted and i didnt feel like asking so i got twin pops, those will make a mess but mikey will clean them up, oh forgot about the nice lady that smiled at me by the soup, that made me smile, really smile, she was so nice to smile like that, i started walking around with a smile after that, talked to miss naomi for min then went to the checkout, oh got pepsi too, i know i dont need it but my head was hurting so figured caffine would help at home, got a candy bar too at the checkout, saw mom and porchia checked me out, she didnt remember me, had the boy help me out with food, my abdomen was hurting by then so was hard to walk, got food in and started heading home, finaly found a good song on the radio, I'm the only one, started screaming that at the top of my lungs, love that song, that got me feeling better, saw the guy with the pretty flower boxes again but didnt feel like stoping to tell him, one of theses days i will, i promise. got home and OMG the dog was freaking, i needed to hurry and get the groc in so i told him to sit and stay at the door and left it open, bless his heart he didnt, he didnt move till i came back in again, he did that twice, he's learning, though he was so excited and nervous when i got home, got cold stuff put up and got my food and snacks for the day and sat down, kept forgetting stuff so had to get up, finaly sat down with a cool wash rag on my feet, god that felt good, started watching csi again, and ate my salad, gave mikey 2 doggie treats for being such a good boy, he really is, got him in my lap and told him i was sorry to him and ava for being like this, told him i would get better i promise, i will try. Mark called and i talked to him for a min, told him what was up, , also wanted to say when i left jays work i went to tell paula goodbye, i had to she helped so much talking to me, even if she didnt say much, i needed it, lol danny (or donny i forget) called me Jay's wife, i laughed, and said Jay's wife has a name 😛 anyway i gave paula a hug, i promised to call when i got home and call if i got worse again, well so far i havent, been better though still feeling down i can smile again, well it about time to head up to sky, i dont feel like switching comps maybe i will just take Warn today, i really dont want to go at all but Jay need Byakkos something, so have to take him, you know if they dont like fuck them. later