Last night I had a late night talk with him. At that moment I wished I hadn't, but now I don't regret it. Come to find out, he had been depressed about losing his job, he's been unemployed for almost a month now. He had gotten to the point of suicidal thoughts multiple times a day, and he had finally decided which one to do. The reason why he was acting like even more of an ass then usual is so that I'd leave him. He said that him losing his job was entirely his fault, and honestly, it was. He made a stupid decision and it ended up costing him his job, and almost our relationship. I was so mad when he told me all of this, that he wanted to die, that he had already choosen how he was going to end it, that he was basically dead inside. It made me so angry, because his problem is something that can be fixed very easily, something that shouldn't have been dragged on for this long. And to top it all off, he said that he's dead inside, so that means that the past 9 months have been nothing but lies. Him saying that he loves me and cares for me, if you're dead inside and willing to give up so easily, how is that love? How is that caring for someone?

Watching the person you say you love cry themselves to sleep, push them to their wit's end, make them doubt everything about themselves and what they feel. How is that caring for someone? How is that loving someone? I think what angered me the most is that he even admitted to knowing that I was changing myself, changing how I think, trying to change who I am and he saw me struggle and fall apart, and he just sat there and watched, he didn't even care. And whenever I tried to help him get out of his depression, he just pushed me away, he knew he was depressed and he chose to just give up and destroy everything around him on his way out.

We had a talk and he wanted to just focus all of his time on getting a job and joining the navy, no fun. I told him to keep the fun in his life. Right now I'm kind of regretting that, he started looking for a job and then about 4 hours into the day he stopped everything and went back to just him and his computer…I don't know what I'm going to do.


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