In November 2005 I stopped taking the medications that were progressively prescribed that had began with merely Xanax…and then went to 3 anti-depressants, a psychotropic, a sedative hypnotic, anti-anxiety, pain medication, muscle relaxer, heart medication, bladder medication, etc. My life then was filled with feelings of despair and futility…I don’t really know for sure how I kept from cutting that misery short.

It felt like I was just some psychiatric social experiment to see how far I could be pushed into becoming something other than I was. I was pathetic, angry, felt as if I deserved something better and deserved justice for all the wrongs I perceived happened to me. All that was my life ceased to exist and I pushed everyone away.

Something very odd and unusual happened during those first months following my stopping the medication. The psychiatrist whom I had blogged about on my website changed his diagnosis because I embarrassed him then deeming me manic. My psychologist had said I had a mildly psychotic moment from ceasing the medications without supervision. Still, something happened that brought change to my attitude and belief system.

Just prior to stopping the medications apparently the new psychotropic and sedative hypnotic were acting differently than intended upon my brain. They had been prescribed a few months before specifically to aid in issues stemming from my old, untreated head injuries. My psychologist said that I was having a paradoxical effect from them as they were supposed to reduce brain activity; instead my brain was accelerating at some extreme warp factor.

Those months following my stopping the medication if manic or psychotic were sometimes blissful, sometimes euphoric. The anger, apathy, pathetic nature, hatred, anger…all transitioned. As an old soldier I suddenly shifted into being opposed to war as any form of a solution. I could hardly view any sort of film or news footage about the current or past wars without feeling it within me as one would a wound, anxiety or negativity.

As silly as this may sound, I felt incredibly connected to the world around me where I lived then in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. One day I visited some folks at the nursery they owned in a small town nearby. I think people were getting a clue I was becoming quite strange. Standing at the counter of their outdoor coffee shop I was speaking to an acquaintance about sort of spiritual or alternative historical information that had just manifested into my brain. Apparently, a series of small white Christmas lights strung behind me would glow brighter whenever I would speak…a situation pointed out to me by my acquaintance.

Since those months I have spent quite a bit of time researching the various theories relative to consciousness, the Akashic Field, reality, quantum physics, fringe theories, alternative theories of our historical past and our origins. All of this has helped me to keep a new balance in coping with the anxiety and depression, but there are times…sometimes lengthy periods where the anxiety seeps in and swells like a basketball size force swirling within my chest.

This effect of the anxiety fluxing there is consuming and debilitating. What is worse is that I often do not realize it until it is too late and by then the depression, futility and despair rises up, my physical issues that are a part of my disability flare…and I am in a fix. Somehow I find my way out once more. And then…just a silly, simple thing can take me back once more. It isn’t really a cycle so to speak, but perhaps a pattern.

The feelings take me back to those years in my job doing what I was paid to do, following policy and procedure, reporting misconduct and corruption as a part of all my other duties, but the consequences of doing that are never pleasant. They don’t really want you to report such things…the policy is there for the public’s conscience to be put at rest… People who have altruistic tendencies, who believe in honor, honesty and integrity are almost out of place in this so called modern era.

So, I can read some blog, or alternative news article, view a video online about something not readily available on television or the newspapers…and feel like I am right back in my old job facing what seems like insurmountable odds hoping that there is at least one person who will go forward and pursue the right course to deal with the problems at hand. This brings on anxiety, futility, despair and apathy…for a while a linger trying to figure out what to do in order to cope.

The whole thing perplexes me as I can be so self-aware about many things, but the ability to cope, or to manage my very simple life seems almost beyond my capabilities. Not being one to ever quit or surrender…dealing with this does give me that sort of feeling. The impact on self-esteem, self-image, self-confidence is a whole other dimension to the problem.

I search for ways to improve my ability to cope and have been partially successful, but it all takes effort and the self-defeating aspect of depression can erode those improvements quite fast. Like the saying, “One Awe shite wipes out a thousand Attaboys!”

Through what I have researched I have come to a few of my own theories; one being the significant influence of environment upon depression, but that is a blog or two for another day. I began this blog this morning feeling a wee bit of futility and as is the case with expressive writing feel somewhat better by just placing my thoughts here, to share, to vent…to purge the negative from my moment.

Peace to all!!!…

BrokenSabre