Well – today I woke up at 1:00 a.m. instead of 2:30. It seems that instead of getting better, my sleep is getting worse. I never know what days I am going to get up early and which I’ll sleep through the night. If I take something to help me sleep – I won’t be able to get up when I need to. I am so frustrated. I just want to get a good nights sleep so that I can enjoy my kids on a Saturday.
I hate being up by myself. I usually ask my husband to get up with me – but is that fair. I feel like I can get so much stuff done when I get up in the middle of the night. No kids – just some peace and quiet to work on my scrapbook, my work stuff, organizing my pictures on line. But then my husband and I are both miserable during the day. That is not fair to him. So, I suffer here by myself.
Today is our NAMI walk and like last year it is supposed to rain. I am really not up to doing the walk this year. How can I help family members deal with their loved ones mental illness when I myself am suffering? One of the things that I have prided myself on is that my friends don’t know my suffering. I support my brothers mental illness – but I myself don’t suffer. I don’t want them to know. That is a part of my life that I don’t want to talk about. I can help other people deal with the pain of having a loved one that is sick, but if they knew that I myself was suffering they would not look at me the same way.