Last night I asked mum why she shuts down when we argue and just mentally leaves the conversation and also WHY we have been agueing alot lately, she told me, she doesn't want to say anything to hurt me, which is why she shuts down and that the reason why we have being butting heads lately is because…. she resents me! She hates that I don't have a job, she thinks I make a mockery of her hard work, she hates that I do nothing & am nothing. I do understand what she is saying for the most part, I'm not exactly proud of what I'm doing and of who I am at the moment, but does that really call for my own mother to resent me??
Our mother/daughter relationship was once so unbreakable, we were the best of friends and its just all falling apart, I am terrified we're never going to be the same again. I feel like I am loosing the one and only person who has stuck by me through everything. I thought even in my lowest points in my life my mum would always be there supporting me not having negative feelings towards me and alwys being short handed with me.
Even when I do get my act together, are her feelings going to go away? I've read once some one resents a person its hard to get rid of, I know how hard it is to let go of resentment, I'm still having a hard time of letting it go from my nanna. So are we destined to be thing way for ever? or atleast a very long time. I hate this, I don't know how to deal with it, mum said sorry and everything and said she doesn't like feeling like this towards me, but it still doesn't change anything, like today the tension is still there, we barely spoke to each other .
I don't want this to continue, I can't stand the thought of her feeling this way about me, I think back over the past few months and wonder how much of our "happy" moments, were actually happy for her?!? I know you fake it alot around some one you resent.
Where do I/we go from here, I know what I need to do, but there is no guarantee it's going to happen right away, what if she can't let go, what if we're never the same… I am sooo scared, I'm lost, I'm loosing everything…