We pick my little Bro up from the airport tonighht. Then straight out to the club to dance off this anxiety.
The anniversary of the dreaded abuse is almost up on me…..howwill it go?
Last night we went to a Wyonna Judd concert and i met her after the concert. My partner is a miracle worker. Wyonna and i had a brief but deep conversation about forgiveness. She enlightened me….it was spiritual. I even got a great pic of her and I. It was the last stop on her tour and home to Mom and Ashley.
The conversation affected me. Everything affects me.
I wrote a therapeutic letter to my parents and did not send it to them. That helped.
I wont see my new PTSD therapist til the 26th. Til then it isd up tp me, Goddess and the ones I love…..I don't want to be dependeddnt on them tho. I am so afraid I will scare them away over these next few days.
I am tired…..sleep comes hard…..and I just woke up!
I just woke up in alot of ways. The old sedating meds they had me on are gone. I am free to experience life as more " REAL". No more fears of the hospital or heart attacks.
I am becoming free. I am blessed to have people in my life that have replaced dysfunctional parents and extended family. I have friends.
It isnt easy. I just don't give up…..I don't stop breathing or fighting to win no matter what that means. When i get tired i surrender to win. So, it's win win no matter what i do now…..the big battle is over……it ended when i walked out of that house when i was 19. and, a new journey began…..sober recovery, mental illlness diagnosis and building a new life.
Then it would fall aspart and Goddess would help me rebuild again. You see, it always got rebuilt and it was better everytime.
I guess i am rebuilding again….and making nrew memories that i will treasure forever.
2012 turned out to be one hell ofa year. I just REALLY hope Xmas goes ok. I don't want to ruin it for anyone…..the people I love. I know people hurt eachother when they dont meqan to. I just need to remember to do what is for the greatest good of all which is more important than me during this Xmas festivity stuff. I can take care of myself subtly……dissapear for a breath of fresh air if I need to.
Home……I have one. My partner are getting along better. Just in the nic of time . Xmas is imortantto her tho she downplays it. I hope this is a merrry one for her. We will have new friends joining us….It will be different for sure….this Xmas business 2012……baffling at times.
I am rambling….sorry. Just need toget it out.