I have been battling depression for as long as I can remember.

Three and a half years ago, I started a relationship that at times was passionate and made me happy, but at other times was volatile and brought me down to the lowest lows that I have ever had to deal with.

Although I loved- and still do love- that man, I walked away because it was not right for a number of reasons. When I first left him, I was bad… I didn't want to do anything. I just sat around my house. I didn't clean or cook or do anything. It took months for me to be able to do things like cook dinner that didn't come from a box or the freezer section.

Every six months or so, he'd show up again trying to make amends- to be friends. Usually I said no. To say that I missed him would be an understatement, but we were horrible to each other and I still harbored some resentment.

About three or four months ago, he showed up again and I agreed to be friends. For a while, we got along really well, but then we both got promotions and some past issues came up that haven't been resolved, so we have been talking minimally.

Every day of trying to be friends is a struggle for me. I feel like I'm being tormented and I hate it.  He's in a relationship with the woman he was cheating on me with, and it kills me that he says he's happy. About once every week or two, I tell him that I can't do the friend thing and he always finds a way to convince me to try.

Today while notably quite inebriated (friend's bday party) I sent a lengthy e-mail detailing the reasons why I couldn't do this. I know it was the right thing to do, but I am really really sad.

I left because I wanted us both to be happy, but I feel like a failure because he's moved on and I haven't. I've tried everything I could think of to try and get over him and the things that we went through (the biggest issue is a miscarriage that I tend to blame him for when I'm upset, and myself for the rest of the time).

I don't know what to do anymore. Now instead of the last two years of feeling numb, I'm back to being weepy and sad again and I feel absolutely pathetic.

I just want to move on with my life. This is not the only thing I'm dealing with, but it's the first. It's the most pressing right now, because it is the thing that is preventing me from accomplishing any of my other goals. It's the thing that is keeping me from performing the duties that are normally part of my everyday life. So this is where I need to start.

Baby steps.