OK so K texted me and asked me to drinks again and again I didn't get his text til this morning. K is an intelligent young man so I don't know why he doesn't get a new phone, one that sends his texts out in a timely manner. I'm thinking he can't afford a new phone right now. He has a house, so perhaps the payments on the house are sucking him dry. I suppose that could be it… I am just so damn worried that if I don't see him again soon, it will be another 4 years before I do, and I will be over 40 and… Yeah… Now is the time to be seeing K again, not when I am truly too old.

My back is hurting today. A couple of weeks ago it was my knee. I wonder if it's because I'm old, or because I don't excersise or both. I bet it's both. I have no energy. I think my energy is mainly sucked out of me because of my anxiety and depression.

Dad is coming home! I thought he wasn't coming back til Friday. I am trying to be happy about it, but my parents together drive me CRAZY and I was enjoying the time alone with Mom. We were supposed to go to get groceries today but we can't now, I will have to wait til tomorrow. I always like having either rum or vodka on hand just incase I have so much anxiety I want to jump out a window. A drink really helps. As long as I don't drink a lot alone. I had it balanced for a while, but the night of the reunion I let myself go, of course I was not drinking at home til later, but still.

Oh K, please don't disappear again! You are my only friend. P is gone and J and I are finally over after all those years of friendship… I can't wait to see my best GIRL friend M again, she will be coming up August 4th, God willing. Funny to talk about God and M in the same sentance since M is an atheist. I'm not, I think there is some kind of God, but what kind I can't quite say.

M is great because she can see the positive things in almost every situation. She can also be a cynical bitch and that is kind of funny. I just love her. She is bi-polar and refused to let it ruin or take her life. She got close a few times. She understands my depression because she has been there at rock bottom herself. I am so proud of her with her new job, place and boyfriend.

A is doing OK in Portland. She already found a "friend with benefits" and she's only been there a few weeks. I don't know how M and A find men so easily. It takes me up to a year at a time just to get a g*dd*mn coffee date! I am so bad at meeting anyone, I can't make new friends and I can't find dates. Ever. I am just horrible with people. That's why I'm lucky I met M because without her I would truly have ZERO friends. I mean A sort of counts, but I havent' seen her in 6 yrs and we only talk online on FB (which I hate FB but I make an exception so that I can talk to her on the chat)

Well, with J gone, and K as flakey and young as he is… And P into the drug scene… I am going to have to find a new man eventually. I don't want to go back online. I hate meeting men that way, it's counter productive.

I don't know what else to say. It's early and I'm not ready for another day. I want to go back to sleep and eventhough my dreams were bad last night, I want to see what happens next. I heard on that Morgan Freeman show that someday soon we will be able to record our dreams and watch them just like a video. I can imagine I'd be doing that all day.


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