oh boy, I really don’t know what to write!  life is sucking, i am barely there.  I am crying buckets over my dog who died in December, and I like this because it is the only thing that makes me feel like I’m a good person.  He drowned, and he wasn’t supposed to drown.  He was only 8, and I should have been there.  The thing is, I was hoping and kind of praying (not formally) that something would happen to him. I was tired of him, tired of his personality, and I was moving out of the state so I didn’t want to give my parents the responsibility of taking care of this dog.  So, I cry and cry and cray, go see his grave (twice ) and cry some more…. I can’t take this. Again, like I said, I have no regrets how this all played out, but I am crying.  When we found him, and we were thinking of how to revive him, all the while I was calm and thinking "good….let him die."  That worries me, but i *do* cry about it; that makes me a good person.  I just wanted another dog.  I was tired of him; I wanted a new dog.  Bad person?  I know.

But he’s laying in the ground right now, and all cause I couldn’t be there for him in his last moments *sob*.  I cannot take this; too hard. 

Other than that, my name is Elly, and I am sober.  jk.

So, my story is, I’ve had no friends.  All my life and nobody wanted to be close with me.  Oh, i’ve had my shots, but no one sticked around long enough.  I had some I clung on to for dear life, but that was just survival.  We didn’t enjoy each other.   So, I am here, 28 years old, female, and I’ve barely had a great life.  The problem now, is that, after high school, I got into self-help books and figured out all the things that were wrong about me, and went about fixing those i.e. hiding them, suppressing them.

Now here I am 10 years later, and  no one really knows the real me, *I* don’t even know the real me who knows.  But no one cares.

 I kinda wish someone would REALLY care, and not just act like it.  Maybe Jesus?!  Maybe you?!  Who?