So today I held a releasing ritual. I used sandalwood incense and a beeswax candle dressed in cedarwood oil, which is good for cleansing. In the ritual, I write down things I am releasing, and burn them. Then I thank them for having served me, but say it’s time for me to let them go. Then I pour water over the ashes and swirl it around widdershins with my hand. I pour the ash-water into the garden, saying, “I open myself up to what is fresh and new. Thank you.”

How Christian does this sound? Not very. A few weeks ago I was writing about being a Christian, Wiccan style. Today I feel Wiccan, Christian style. Back and forth, up and down. Today I feel called to be a good witch. I’ve been praying to the Lord to provide me with a purpose, because I feel untethered.  Then it occurred to me to perform the releasing ritual, which is very simple. Next week, I’ll probably go the other way, feeling more Christian than Wiccan. I wonder how much of this back and forth is thanks to my schizophrenia. Or is it my depression?

I still believe in and love Jesus. He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. Where does Wicca fit in with that? I’m not really sure… I just know I am a Christowiccan. He loves me, this is true. But without being able to feel His presence anymore, I need something tangible to connect with the Spirit.

There are some things in the back of my mind that I probably should be releasing… Bobby (my ex who died in March), and HNU (my university which closed down last month). I’m just not ready to let them go. It’s too soon, too raw. What I released today was my fear of losing my husband, my self-imposed insecurities, and my procrastination.  My Dad used to say Procrastination was my middle name.

I have my incense burning and my ritual candle burning too… their presence is comforting. All Light comes from the Lord. So He is with me in the burning of the candle. I should probably meditate a bit today. Couldn’t hurt. Blessed Be and Amen.