My third night here.. And I've already cut and partially stabbed myself with a pocket knife, been thrown against the kitchen counter and stove, multiple times, had nails dug into my hand so bad that it looks like a rabbid dog attacked me, had my head banged into a door, and attempted to overdose.
All my "sister" had to say about all of that was "You need help." No sorry, nothing like that.
Turns out, my prediction from yesterday came true.
All my sister cares about is him. Even at the risk of my life.
I don't want her attention, but dammitt, I'm fed the f*ck up with being put on the backburner while risking my sanity to help a dumbass.
I told her that I wanted to call my parents to come get me last night.
She wouldn't let me. And she replied with, "then you won't be able to see my anymore."
My reply, "Fine. I don't want to see you. I don't want to know you. I hate you. I want nothing to do with you."
I meant it all.
Her response to that? She threw me into a door where I banged my head on it, straining my neck, once again.
I almost passed out and she still didn't stop hurting me.
I was laying on the floor, seconds from fainting, and she still pulled on me, and pushed me around.
She shouldn't tempt me by saying I'll never get to see her again. Because that's my biggest wish. No more fighting, arguing, crying, panicking, etc.
The sight of her disgusts me. The smell of her, the sound of her voice, all of it disgusts me. If I continue to live here, I'm going to take my life. This I promise.
I can't even look at myself in a mirror without seeing all the cuts, bruises, and blood all over me, whether its all covered or not.
I'm disgusted with myself for acting like I do. I can barely live with myself.
I'm constantly haunted with everything thats happened since 5 months ago.
And honestly? I wish I wouldn't have survived that car accident. I wish I wasn't wearing a seatbelt, I wish I would've sat closer to the right, I wish my neck would have snapped in half.
I wouldn't feel all this pain and disgust if my life would've ended.
She might be getting a job, and she's mad that I'm not happy for her.
She wouldn't need a job so bad if she wouldn't have pissed all our money away to pay for gas to pick up and drop off that guy two hours away, and meeting him in random places, and god knows what else.
I refuse to be happy for her.
Why should I be happy for someone who doesn't even care enough about me to make a f*cking decision thats not based on only her.
The fact that we don't have much money between us all the time because she uses ot carelessly has made our parents think we'r irresponsible with money. Including me. Even though I'd rather starve than spend money on food sometimes, and I give her money and offer to pay for certain things just so she doesn't get all the blame. Even though she deserves it.
I'm pissed that I was born as her sister.
Because she really did ruin my life. And I will forever resent her for that.