I seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one side I have bad side effects of medication, on the other I go through this horrible withdrawal which I am currently experiencing. I’ve never felt anything this disorienting before. Last night I slept for 11 hours. That doesn’t sound like much of a big deal untill you take into account that I’m a graduate student and therefore lost about 4 hours of time when I should have been doing work. Right now I’m sitting in class typing this actually. I’m in a class I TA. So I’m sitting here feeling fine, ten within seconds My focus disappears, my head starts acheing and I can no longer focus my eyes properly. Because of ths disorientation etc i now feel realy nauseous and just want t go to bed. But I’m in class, and not only that but I have class for another 1.5 hrs and then I have to walk home from here in the dark which often plays with my imagination anyways.  I have so much work to do that this medication change is just getting in the way of everything.

I’m not sure what to do anymore. I feel like I’m slowly starting to lose my grip on reality but the psychiatrist I go to just tells me its fine and to keep dropping the medication. She also thinks prozac (the new medication I’m switching to) will work but as I drop the one i’m trying to get off of, I get more and more distressed and have more and more depressive episodes which involve the craving to harm myself. I try to talk to people on here but the rare occasion I’m comfortable enough to actually talk about it; everyone is in the process of something else and can’t be bothered.

I really just want to go back to my apartment, cut my leg a few times to let out some emotion and then just cry into my stuffed animals untill I falls asleep.  I’m well aware this isn’t like me at all; I mean I’m a positive person who many often accuse of fakeing my depression. So why do I feel like this? What if without the medication I can’t keep myself from falling apart and just giving up? To many people need me for me to allow that to happen. I mean not only people on here. But my parents would be devistated, my younger sister whom I don’t even get aong with keeps trying to make sure I’m ok. Things like my bf; how would he deal? I mean he doesn’t even really understand depression at all, what if he thought it was his fault? What if it actually is? So many other silly little things. My supervisors count on my to produce good results from their experimental paradigms so that it can be published. Without that heir careers (as well as my own) disappears.

I’m so tired right now. I don’t know how I can make it through the rest of this class. And to top it all off, a few seconds ago i started getting figity. Meaning I suddenly have too much energy that often escapes by me  tearing of ribbons of skin. Earlier to calm myself down i ended up bruising myself on the arm. WTF is going on? I am so lost, tired and I just want to stop already. This probably doesn’t even make sense anymore I mean I’m not sure if what I’m thinking or feeling even makes sense anymore; but then again did i ever really make sense? I’m not sure… Oh damn i’m starting to lose it I know it.

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