I've been really bad about getting on here lately…which is unfortunate because I could really use some extra support right now. Lately I've been feeling extra empty. I have no drive to go to work (but I still do anyway), things that used to interest me are no longer exciting and I have no idea why I should even continue to go on. The only reason that I do is because I don't want to hurt the people that care about me. Whenever I try to explain to them that I'm not feeling so great, they just seem perplexed as to why I'm not better yet- as if depression is just the common cold and will go away with the right amount of rest and medicine.
My dream in life used to be to get my Master's degree in Library and Information science so that I could become a reference librarian in a public library and by a house surrounded by lots of land and forest. I wanted to find someone that loves me for exactly who I am, someone to spend the rest of my life with. Now when I think about getting my degree, I just feel exhausted. I still have so much more college to go and I already feel as if I can't take anymore. I'm going to break. And let's say I DO get my degree and become a librarian…then what? As for finding someone to settle down with, I don't feel like I could ever trust anyone with my heart again. As long as I don't get with someone, then they won't have the opportunity to betray me or break my heart. I can avoid all the pain by just being alone. But again…then what? What purpose do I have? Now that the things I've dreamt of all my life have lost their luster, I can't think of anything to replace them. Everyday I'm given reminders as to why this world is such a cold, cruel place and it makes me want to give up.
I'll keep trudging on like always, but it's tiring to keep walking and walking with no direction. Where will I ever stop and what will be there waiting for me when I do?