How are you?
I just thought I would give a little update.
As you may have read prior to this blog, I wrote a few pages of alot of things that had gone on and that I had not expressed before. So, I sent this to my therapist. She replied to the email, but only confirming the appointment. Although I was disappointed she didn't acknowledge, as some confirmed on here, that she will hopefully talk through it at the next appointment.
Usually my appointments only last 50 minutes, but, this time they went on for an hour. Also, she normally says, "times up now Mandy" but, this time she spoke to the end. She read out my letter, and we discussed each paragraph! Some situations are still not clear and she noted how much control is in my family – I am not allowed to talk to my half sister – not allowed this and that and this all plays apart with me she feels.
As she read the letter, I looked out the window or numbly stared at the wall. She said, "try to stay in the room mandy" i said, I am listening. I also felt some times she was being abit pushy, but, I also understand she feels pressures from my mum as mum was saying "this isnt long-term, stop going back in past" etc. But, after I told my therapist today that they are both willing to carry on apps aslong as they help, I felt her manner change to more relaxed.
Like I said, I felt quite numb. She asked me how i felt after we discussed things, and kept saying, "are you feeling ok", i think maybe because I wasnt really showing much but sitting there listening and the occasional giggle of embarrassment. When we were saying bye she changed subject, commenting on my nice tan and hope I have a good day etc. I just felt really surreal, like it wasn't me talking, wasn't me there, so I couldnt cry even though I felt like it.
Overall, I felt it went well. I am not seeing her next week as going away again for a week and she asked if I didn't like it weekly, but I said, just because going away, so she said thats fine. She said I mustn't worry about being perfect etc but reading my letter, when she found a line didn't make sense, she seemed quite critical like laughing saying, oh I understand now, didnt at first because the way it was worded. Like this long blog that I am getting out my system so i appreciate if u read this far, but, I don't really think about the punctuation and spelling as I am just firing the thoughts down to words.
Anyways, like I said, at the start, i felt she was a bit different, but, I think she started to change when maybe I wasn't giving much emotion as she often said I disassociate from emotions etc.
Next session she said we will do some more inner child work and I said Ok. So, the 19th July is my next appointment.
Thank you if you read all this; it was probably boring but, I just needed to get it down even if no one wants to read 🙂 if you have, I hold you in my heart xxx