im back to work, good. im still having severe abdominal pain, normal. disability would be nice.  3rd time applying is a charm?

My job is perfect for me because it is only 4 hour shifts and 15 hours a week, 4 days a week.  I teach a few art classes to 4th and 5th grade students and love it.  Its the only job i have had that i leave every day feeling great about it…and there is now way in hell that i can work full time even when i love what i am doing. unfair life. its a raw deal.

my gut is killing me right now and all i have is weed to kill the pain.  i made another appoitntment with my gastro doc and this time the topic is going to be major intestinal resection surgery.  im gonna be effed up for a long time as if i havent been physically and emotionally my entire 32 years of existence…but it will definitely suck.    I feel like im writing the same blog over and over but in different words, sorry. I miss skateboarding, the love of my life and have been too lethargic or in pain to do it lately…this just sucks.  at least I have my art that i can do in bed while i am high.

my friends have been dropping like flies over one time i spat on someones half eaten hot dog that i have a real good reason to dislike.  Im not normal.  i feel like scum after the fact, but these people were dead set against me in a time of serious drama in my life. I have no family nearby and just about nobody except my bipolar, and schizophrenic friends to be there for me, because we are alike. i can live with that.  i do not belong around normally functioning people. I just cant get along with them…at least finally i have a love interest in my life again, and she has been wonderful to me every day.  I look forward to video chat and facebook with her which has been on a regular basis…NO we dit not meet on the internet.   i have known her for years and lost touch when she went to college…we had crushes on each other back in the day and turns out we still do. its very cute. she is in mexico city on an internship right now. we cant wait to see each other again…i had forgot how anticipating something good felt.,,,im used to anticipating the worst.

Im still able to be social with the people that give a crap about me and am making new friends too, guess a psycho like me needs a clean slate about twice a decade…and its nice to hit the reset button on my life right now.  things have been changing for me.  My meds are helping to stabilize my mood.  i was on no meds for years when the hot dog incident occurred (i know, scapegoat) but i doubt it would have happened if i was on effective medication at the time.  waking up to a world of inner frenzy has diminished..i would awaken to explosive anxiety and tear jerking panic attacks…my depression has a live and let live attitude right now, but i know that has a lot to do with the girl i am to reunite with…which is really exciting…but also even before she came back into the picture, i had noticed differences, especially on seroquel, which i now unfortunately take risperadone in place of…i just cant afford a 600 dollar rx so i have to go with a less effective 4 dollar solution…that still helps me but not as well…night terrors….i have them every night,,,,i have short one scene dreams where my dog is in immediate danger and i wake up with my heart pounding like a jackhammer through my chest in a cold sweat…this is no new occurence…and it happened significantly less on the 'quel.

I know blogs are meant for complaining but im also looking to learn about other people and offer my support and advice…I find that its so easy to help others figure out their drama when i have hardly any grasp on my own…friend me if you dare.

~Todd

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