For the past year and a half I have totally not felt like myself. I used to be really outgoing, fun and was always excited about going out and about. Then the anxiety happened and I became very introverted and self conscious and became scared about being out in the world.
I started to let the anxiety define who I was. I felt like I totally lost me…all of my happiness and all of my spirit…everything that made me who I am. In my mind I just became the anxious person who had nothing else to offer. I stopped talking to my friends…i quit my job…I stopped living life.
And then my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me in March…he said I had changed b/c of my anxiety and I was no longer the person he fell in love with. And I was crushed b/c that validated everything I already thought about myself. That I had nothing to offer…that I no longer was myself…and that being around me was too much work for other people.
And then one day instead of being sad I decided to get mad. I decided I wasnt going to let this anxiety business ruin my life. I already wasted almost 6 years of my life not properly grieving the loss of my father (he died when I was 20) which ended up causing me tons of emotional problems. I became made that for a year and a half I was afraid to live b/c of the unknown. And I decided that I was still me…and that my loser ex was the one with the problem not me. Because I am still me…and I am still a great person…and if he couldnt still see that then oh well for him.
Really this past week has been one of my best in a long time. Both my mom and therapist have mentioned that I even look physically different to them. That I seem to look healthier and more vibrant…and I feel it too….I want to live a full life and I am determined to force myself every day to do normal things. Even if I am uncomfortable at first I need to at least try. And I feel like I am finally ready to really deal with my emotions and let them go….it is time to say goodbye to my dear friend….so long anxiety!!!
Sorry this was a bit long 😛 Just needed to share how excited I am about the future….it feels good to be moving in the right direction!