Today is Thursday. Ordinarily, I would have been at school right now. I probably would have turned in my Physics homework, gotten an F, and continued on with my classes. I would have met with my friend, Veronica, at lunch and sat on the patio and went over our Art History homework and pointed out funny-looking people; because at the time, that was my routine. Afterwards Veronica and I would get into Tatiana's car and probably hit up Chick Fil A and bring it back to my place to watch YouTube or some dumb movie we found on the Starz channel. I would have called my boyfriend and gotten into a three hour conversation with him about pointless things that will distract me from cleaning, or working out for Derby, or getting my work done. I would have stayed up until eleven in the morning working on my painting of the ballerina that I took a shot of last time I was at the Dance Academy to pick up Tatiana. My mother would have come into my room and demanded I go to bed so that I could get up the next day without being tired and hungover. As a result, I would have locked my door, crasked my window, and lit a cigarette.
Instead, my day was quite the opposite. You see, Tuesday… was the day that changed absolutely everything for me. That was the day that I decided that my last rebellious bout to win over my mother's attention would be to run away and stage a kidnapping. The details? I can't include them just yet. In fact, it will probably be a long time before I can add detail to any part of that situation. I don't know what I was doing, or thinking- only that I'd never been that scared in my entire life. I was found on Wednesday. They found where I was staying and returned me to my parents. My parents, who I thought would be okay with me leaving and quite content; were absolutely devestated. And in turn, devestated me. Therefore, today, on this Thursday, I dropped everything to make room for a change. And that is exactly what I am focusing on. A change.
I still can't sleep in my own bed. In fact, last night I couldn't sleep at all. I remained hunched over in the corner of my bedroom staring at my unfinished paintings. I can't bring myself to finish them. I jump at the sound of police sirens, because I now have the constant fear of being in pursuit. The people who hid me, and the person who planned this entire thing out- are all in serious, detrimental amounts of trouble. I sat down with my parents and figured out a gateway to change. And today, I am being taken out of my school and either being put into homeschool or transferred to another place. Through this experience, I lost all of my friends therefore I lost my entire support network. I joined up with this site to at least gain something for the time being until my incredible amount of change enables me to once again find people who are socially accepting of me.
I'm just in a tough situation right now. I lost everything. I lost my willpower to paint. I lost my dignity. I lost the ability to be comfortable in my own home. I can't maintain enough self confidence to get my name out there and get a job. I shake constantly, and jump whenever people talk to or touch me. My boyfriend… I can't even begin to cover him right now. He was my accomplice, therefore taking a majority of the hit for me and probably suffering worse. I lost my friends. I lost trust in my parents. I lost everything.
I know that in time things will get better. But right now, I don't know what to do or where to turn. It all seems obsolete. I know its only been a day since I'd gotten out of the bad situation I was in… and it will probably heal in time. But I'm having a difficult time coping to change. My once beautiful brown hair is now black and tainted. I just… my appearance is awful. I had to take a pregnancy test to be sure that the promiscuity that contributed to why I ran away in the first place didn't come back to bite me in the ass. I quit derby. I feel like I don't need that kind of aggression right now. I can't reach my boyfriend, not literally… but mentally. He's in a rougher spot than me and its going to be difficult to find a hobby to occupy myself for when he isn't around and stable enough to do that himself.
Right now, I need to focus on getting a job and replenishing my cellphone. My birthday is in four days… and I feel like I'll be getting that second chance or change pretty soon. Its hard to keep optimism in this situation… but I think I'm doing it.