Stupid dream last night… So stupid… I'm such a teenager sometimes and I hate it. Getting my hopes up then I wake up and realize it was all just a stupid dream… So i had a dream about this guy I'm kind of in love with and I hated it and it was stupid and I hated it…..Grrr….But it was kind of amazing and it almost like a cliche movie in which there is this couple who's not really a couple but everyone knows they are like in love with each other. But then one girl comes into the picture who is trying to ruin it all but it doesn't work because the guy doesn't even like her. And it was stupid and I wish it didn't even happen because like he doesn't even like me. Well he claims he loves me. But most ofhis action don't support his claims…. I don't want to be hard on him because I can tell he is going through a depressive state. His actions and his words all support my belief that he has depression. It exactly the same way that I act and do when I'm feeling depressed and having one of those episodes. He refuses to say he has depression and refuses to get help. So obviously i can't even help him because you can't force help on someone that doesn't even want help… I'm just really concerned for him. I don't want him to do something.

I just wishI didn't love him sometimes… Because mother would never approve. Like ever (why do I always feel attracted to those that my family would always disaprove of? It sucks) But he's kind of perfect for me. And not. We both love writing and expressing ourselves in the artist ways. We used to write a lot together and them swap stories so that the other could edit it all. We kind of used to be best friends honestly (Oh my god he just texted me!!! Sorry…. I'm so excited.. Stupid feelings) Then high school happened and we drifted. We've been getting really close here lately and he claims that he loves me but with his depression, he's really distant and he's really negative andI just…. I don't know. All this on top of the fact that my whole family would not approve. Well my aunt would but she's not even really my aunt. She my mother's bf and we just call her our aunt because she's that much apart of the family.

I hate feelings. This is the only feeling I have felt in a long time. I would rather feel happy. i don't know I'm confused. Can I go back to feeling numb?! Please?!