A lot has happened since the last time I checked in here. I had a baby, he's one year old now. That's its own mess to talk about, but he is doing well and thriving. I am working very hard to provide a stable home emotionally.
I became the executive director of my animal rescue, and it is currently merging with another one. You never realize how much paperwork is involved with nonprofits until you are doing it for the board.
I began piercing shortly after losing my first baby, and have fallen in love with this job. I recently attended my first conference for it, which was no small task, considering I left my xanax at home by accident.
My OCD comes and goes. I guess that isn't really right, it is like a period – I have heavy days and light days. It's always scratching at the back of my brain, though. I can't tell you how badly I wanted to scream at the class at conference discussing disorders in the industry – how many people said, "OCD tendencies," and how many really meant it? I am not possessive of my disorders at all, but I think that maybe if you can alleviate your symptoms by finding a new task to do, then maybe it isn't really an obsession you should be concerned about. Maybe if you CAN step away from bagging jewelry or you don't have to tap the tray an even number of times with your forceps then you are doing pretty okay.
That's something I've been working on, though – not saying "I can't ____." Not saying "I can't handle that," or "I can't stop," or "I can't autoclave an uneven number." I CAN. I CAN I CAN. I may choose not to, but I will push myself to at least not admit defeat just because it's one of those bad days. If I CAN do it yesterday, I CAN do it today. I know I can.
So today has been one of those bad ones. At work I am actually doing pretty okay. At home, though, I am still recovering from a very long drive with no stops except for gas, and I think it's getting to me a bit.
I tried to sleep with Sir before work, and I found that even with the buzzy thing, even with it feeling good, even with feeling in the mood, I couldn't get off. He kept putting one arm beside me and the other further away, tilting me to the side. When he tried to finger me, his arm was going off under my left knee, it wasn't centered, and I was SO focused on that, I wasn't enjoying it. And sure enough, when I asked him to straighten his arm, point toward me, bam. There it was.
To me, OCD is like a nasty vine, twisting into every section of my life and perverting it.
It pushes into my parenting. It wraps around my sex life. It sneaks into my meal preparation, my showers, my clothing, my anxiety, my wellbeing. It snakes around my whole world and squeezes until I can't breathe anymore.
I'd like to see a study done examining the effects of antianxiety medications for anxiety and OCD both pre- and post-pregnancy. I bet it has something to do with hormones.
All I know is that I CAN be better.
I was yesterday, and I CAN today.