The weather here is depressing. Doesn't help my depression at all; it makes it worse. I did leave the house for a short while today ~ wentgrocery shopping with myhusbandand son. But that's about it for doing anything productive. Oh wait; shoot! I left the clothes I washed in the washer~ I hope they're not sour smelling. It wouldmake me mad to have to wash them all overagain.

It's been a hardday for me. I woke up at7 (which was good) after another night of uninterrupted sleep, but that's where the good part stops. After we got home from grocery shopping this morning I immediately changed back into pajamas. I down around9 and slept for 2 hours. When I woke up I was still pretty tired, so around1 p.m. I laid back down and slept some more. Between the tiredness and how I feel it's easier to sleep than to be awake and aware.

But then I felt really guilty because today is the last day of Aaron's vacation and Zachary's too. We didn't do anything special or fun with him and I felt terrible that my illness sometimes gets the best of me and I have to sleep to be okay a little later.

So tomorrow is my Mom's birthday and I don't know what to do for her. Zachary and I will have to make her a special card and cake ( if we have one in the cupboard ), but we're too broke to buy gifts for her. We're surviving on $50 bucks this week. I could strangle my husband for that…we're supposed to go to this fancy restaurant on Friday to celebrate a friend's birthday and then stay the night in Orlando. So instead of waiting to book the hotel room ( which was close to $100 dollars ) on Friday when he gets paid he goes ahead and pays for it in advance. So now we're supposed to get by on less than $50 dollars. I don't know how we're going to do that. I just wish he would think ahead. He's so bad with the finances, but because I have hypomanic episodes that make me spend money on everything we've chosen to let him handle it. Maybe it's time to rethink that plan. Just my therapy session tomorrow is going to be 20 dollars, not to mention the gas it will take to get up there.Grrrrrr!

I feel pathetic and wretched tonight. I was lacking so much in motivation that I didn't even make dinner. Thank God for leftovers. I'm probably just going to have a bowl of cereal or grits and that willbe my dinner.

I hate thisnever-ending cycle. I have a couple good days and then the floor drops out from beneath me.( But I haven't hadany good days in quite awhile.) Soanyway Iwork really hard atcrawling back out of thehole,fightingit all the way back up. Then I reach the ledge and I'm okay for a few days again and voila'! Back down I go. Maybethe depression never really goes away for those good days; maybe it just stays low-key. I don't know for sure, but I hate it. I hate how I feel, and I know that it's an illness and thatit's not really me, it's the disorderin my brain but for some reason knowing that isn't helping right now. I don't feel like I'm in control in this situation~ I feel like I'm at the mercy of it and it's intent is to destroy my life and my chances at happiness and make me miserable for the rest of my days.

I need to talk to my therapist.Isee her tomorrow. I thought I was scheduled for Thursday, but I apparently scheduled Tuesday instead. I'm fine with that; I get to seeher sooner. It's been almost a month since the last session because shewas booked and had no available openings.

I feel how the sky looks tonight; dark grey clouds forming into a storm, just waiting for the rain tostart.It's been dreary like this all day, and I blame some of my mood on it.

I need to go ~ my son wants attention and affection. I can at least enjoy that still.



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