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Theres a toxic person in my life who i can't get rid of because of connections. I'm trying to see them as little as possible but even then, having them in my life has made me ridiculously anxious and paranoid all the time. You know when you just look in someones eyes and know they're a threat to you. They're too nosey and interested in me constantly when they should'nt be and i just don't understand them at all and it scares me. They are a vengeful jelousand a bitcrueland so nosey and invasive on my life that they need to know every little detail and i feel that any other relaionships or friends i make would be threatened. It's not just in my head though, they have a dodgy mind with no clear, normal goals; just control and something else that scares me that i can't decode. They like it when people are frightened of them; like dominence but darker. I can see in their eyes a very familiar look of the fear of them that i've had all my life (which is rooted in my anxiety and other worst fear ever feeling of something i can't remember)that they are capable of very dark things. I've had the feelings associated with it for a very long time and i fear theyprobably caused a trauma for me that i can't remember (and causedPTSD in very early childhood where i blocked it out). I can't say exactly what and who because theres a good chance they could have already found me online. what do i do? I'm literally asking. i wish i could make money so i could get professional help because theres experts out there who do this as their job like hypnosis and stuff. The other thing is theres other people in the picture who could have and probably did the same thing.

This is why i see the world as a horrible place and have no respect for people who choose to have children- why create more helpless creatures for people to abuse, because that's whats going to happen to all of your children eventually, even ifyouhave a perfect family forthemandthey're popular in school, they'll still have to suffer heartbreak, and have children of they own who could go through every trauma under the sun, why create this generation of creatures for the world to abuse? I think theres nothing more horrible you can do. if my great great grandmother or whoever had just shut her legs, our whole problem family wouldn't have occurred, especially me. then alot of trauma wouldn't have been felt. But then again i think if it wasn't me who took up this horrible space and problem mind, if it wasn't me who was the character in this awful book, the tradgedy writtain by god or whoever it is, then it would have had to be someone else to fill the space. and i wouldn't let anyone else do that, and maybe something much worse would have happened to them if they were in it instead of me.

2 Comments
  1. Author
    chunckywannabcurvy 9 years ago

    This sounds just like my dad and I how i felt before I realised and admitted that I had depression.  It is hard to avoid people like this when we are vulnerable, but even if you dont have positive people, make a scrapbook of positivity.  Find photos, peoms, passages from books, and art project from school, something that makes you feel good, even if you just sit there and write all the good things you can about yourself.  use this scrapbook when you are in a bad place, use this as a source of support.  It doesnt replace a supportive person, but its a step in the right direction.

     

    I know you say that people shouldnt have children because the world will hurt them and its unavoidable, and its of little use saying well thats life.  but i find looking at things like pain and hurt, heartbreak etc, as a test.  If you do not experience pain, you cannot appreciate happiness, and you cannot try to find peace to heal the pain.  Pain also makes you realise those that truely love you and stand by you and those who are the selfish and just want to inflict pain on you.  Each painful moment is a moment in life that we can learn something; i shouldnt have done that, so I wont in the future so you live a better life in the future by living a more wholesome life by not doing the same things that cause pain to yourself and others.  If we do not learn we cannot grow.  I know how much the outside world can stop us from finding inner strength to grow, but it makes it all the sweeter when we do.  It is not an easy road to recovery, but we are here to help and we love and support you every step of the way. 

     

    i am sorry if I have rambled on and none of this makes sense or has offended you.  That was not my intention.  I hope you find my words of some comfort and support.  If you need someone, i am here for you.  thanks for leaving a post on my blog.

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  2. Author
    AloneForeverNew 9 years ago

    thanks for taking the time to write that comment

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