Hi, call me Baker Allen. Believe it or not, I am a female. I tend to join these type of websites for a day or so, but only when I’m really upset at the time. I tend to forget about them after a day. Clinically, I am diagnosed with social anxiety and depression. From what I remember, the depression happened around my 6th grade year. I was about thirteen. My dad said I was always crying when I was younger, I was the odd child. I was always trying to get attention in any way I could. Currently, I have six sibling. I live with my mom, my step dad, my older brother, younger sister, and my two younger brothers. I haven’t seen my dad since around August, nor my eldest sister. My other older sister, she just recently moved out. It’s sad, but hey, I got her room! Bullying is what my “friends” tend to describe as non existent. They say if you let people bully you, you’re a wimp. It started for me in the 6th grade. We got split into our classes by how well you do in testing. I have testing anxiety, I also learn very slow compared to everyone else. I got bullied for being “dumb”. I also got bullied, I to this day can’t believe it, because of my body hair! I shaved my arms once they made fun of me for it. I have dark hair and black eyebrows, I can’t help my arm hair is dark! They called me ugly, they made fun of me for being poor. Anything they could. I met some good friends in my 7th grade year, don’t talk to any of them anymore however. I started cutting and burning myself in 8th. My dad just told me to suck it up, don’t let people get to me, hit them. But what he didn’t understand was it wasn’t just at school, my issues followed. My parents divorced then, that same year. A month later, my ignorant step dad moved in and suddenly announced my mom has been pregnant, for three months. 9th grade rolls around, and I move to a new school. Suicidal thoughts started happening once I moved. The bullying got ten times worse. I started smoking pot, experienced with some PCP, and tried heroin, only once. I thankfully, moved back home. I started online class for my 10th grade, ended up trying to commit suicide for the first time. I swallowed some sleeping pills, obviously didn’t work. I got admitted into an institution. I basically did everything I could when I was there to seem okay, I mean I was. One guy there thought he was an alien, and I couldn’t believe I was there still. I got released after two weeks. The self harming always followed, I hated myself for it. 11th grade, October 2015, I was kicked out of my moms. I moved to my dads apartment, then later I moved in with my dad, his girlfriend, and her two kids. It was a two bedroom apartment, I had to share a bed with a five year old and I always heard my dad and his girlfriend have intercourse. We finally rented a house, I was there by myself from 5:30 in the morning till 6:30 at night. Thats when I met my best friend Jordyn, and my ex boyfriend Ryan. And that’s when my addiction to pills started. I was by myself all day, a whole house to myself. What do you expect? I missed my family, though. Jordyn came over every single day. Sometimes with pot, some times with acid, sometimes with boys. I’ve had sex with ten guys, I am not proud of it even in the least. I hate myself and my body because of it. Ryan, my ex, used me. For my house, for my drugs, for my body. But, after my seizure from a laced-drug problem, my dad got tired of my bullcrap and kicked me out to move back with my mom. So here I am, March 23rd 2017. Living with my family, who hates me. I have an amazing boyfriend (not Ryan, his name is Aaron), who I love but also don’t like because, who could love someone like me? I love my siblings, I wish they still loved me. My mom constantly picks on me, and me and my step dad constantly argue. The first (and last, I’ll make sure of it) time he hit me was in August. I don’t like him. I am a senior, however, I am not graduating this year. I do thankfully graduate over the summer, though. I am 17, no job, no permit, no money. I struggle with suicidal thoughts almost all the time, the depression never leaves. My social anxiety; worse. I threw up my first day of school out of nerves. I have panic attacks in the bathroom still. The self harming went away, not the thoughts, though. I don’t like who I am, I hate myself. I don’t want to be alive anymore. I used to be in therapy, but money is tight and most places don’t take our insurance. Life has just been hardly lately. But, somehow, I’m still alive. And probably will be, not hopefully, but probably. I will probably never visit this website again now. Goodbye.
bakerallen, , Addiction, Anxiety, Depression, Addiction, Anxiety, Career, Child, Depression, Medication, Relationships, Self Esteem, Sex Therapy, Sleep Disorders, Social Anxiety, Suicide, Therapy, 0