Today has not been one of the good days.
Not exactly a happy note to start this little blog off, but it is real.
It didn’t start out as a bad day. I actually slept until 5am. The panic attacks that typically jar me awake at 3am decided to give me one night of rest. Waking up in a positive frame of mind was something that hadn’t happened since Doug broke up with me. It’s been four weeks.
So when I was able to walk out the door feeling well rested, I thought today the sun would start to shine for me.
Upon getting to work, however, the gloom reappeared. Just walking through the front doors is enough for my heart to begin racing.
It’s mostly because my boss is absolutely crazy. You never know how she is going to interpret something you say. Talking to her is like two people having two conversations next to each other that don’t relate at all. She also doesn’t believe in letting negativity exist in her world. Her ability to pretend like there aren’t any problems is astounding and not healthy. It creates quite a bit of hostility in the office.
Every day I’m at work I have a panic attack. Some days are worse than others. Today’s was very bad. It lasted for about three hours I spent some time in a bathroom stall taking deep breaths but that’s the only coping mechanism I have. I was diagnosed with anxiety a month ago and haven’t gotten to therapy for it yet.
After the long and taxing morning fighting back the awful thoughts and trying to suppress the panic attack so coworkers don’t notice, I am exhausted. Emotionally and physically drained into oblivion.
I don’t feel happiness. I want to. It’s just not there.
I have choir tonight. It may help, but at the moment I would rather go home and hide.