Hello reader, my name’s “Gruz”. I’m South African, male, white, and I’m 26 as of today (8th April). I’m not doing so well physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’ve been a member on this site quite a while ago when it looked and operated a bit differently. Can’t remember my previous username. Anywhoo, been severely, frankly psychotically depressed lately and thought I’d tell strangers about it, as the handful of people I actually know are either patronizing or hate my guts. As I’m sure most overly emotional people know, it’s hard to put feelings into words, so bare with my wordplay/grammar (if you bother reading).
I can’t sum up my whole measly 26 years of life in one blog and like hell I’m gonna start from the beginning anyway, so here’s what’s on my mind right now. I’ve lost sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve grown so demotivated and demoralized over the years it’s possibly impossible to describe how down and out I am. I have no drive or enthusiasm for life… not anymore anyways. Nothing interests me anymore and life is nothing more than a bore and a chore – then you die… yay! Everything is maximum effort and minimal reward. From finances, to family, to love and friendship. I feel like this life isn’t worth my effort (and this is not a recent feeling, been feeling this for ages, it’s just gotten severe). I spent old years eve/new years day in hospital having my left arm stitched together – after which I got transferred to a mental hospital and had to convince them with all my might to discharge me (government mental healthcare in a Junk Status country is arguably a cause for insanity itself). Still have no hot or cold sensation in most of my forearm. Can still use my fingers at least, even though my arm isn’t as strong as it used to be. Anyway, it’s insufferable to pinpoint my problem(s) because everything overlaps, causes, and contradicts. Not to mention I carry unbearable guilt… I might not seem psychotic cause you can hold a conversation with me, and I’m good at bullshitting, but behind closed doors it’s a different story. Beating myself, crying, tensing up until I cramp, all that. I have high blood pressure as well (last reading April 1st was 159/90 – 101 pulse) and that’s with two mild hypertension medications that I’ve been taking for a while. Guess it’s a combination of my “unhealthy” lifestyle and being borderline alcoholic.
I can see through the bullshit of typical everyday life and human interaction, and it’s all fake… Selfish… This life is such a joke I hardly think it’s real anymore. No-one’s truly honest/real (because everyone’s an insecure butterfly chasing a fantasy and the truth hurts. BOOHOO!). Sorry for the poor metaphor and lack of explanation, but I think a full explanation will just lead to more patronizing and Imma blow if I get anymore of that (kinda inevitable though…).
I guess I can create more blogs, whenever, breaking down things in particular that bother me senseless and drive me insane, that might bring more context to my feelings (or lack thereof), but I don’t want this post to stretch to Mars, so I’m gonna end it here. It took me forever typing and re-reading this over and over again anyway to “make sure it’s right”… My head is a mess, it’s hard to compile stuff.
If you bothered reading this far, and if you even care or were at least entertained, thank you. I’ll try muster up the courage to post regularly or try respond to others who maybe I can help.