It was around November, 2002. I was 26 and lived in Boston with my then boyfriend. We had not a very stable relationship, but nevertheless I was determined to become pregnant. What an ambitious and crazy idea! It was medically determined we both suffered from infertility. We had choices between sperm donor, IVF and/or artificial insemination. I met this guy on the internet who said he was willing to become our sperm donor even without a legal agreement. In fact, he wasn’t even willing to take money for the donation! The 3 of us met at a diner to discuss the details. It was decided he was to have sex with me strictly for reproduction after I start on my fertility drug Chlomid. (He was a regular blood donor with the medical proof he was disease-free.)

            On the day 2 of taking medication I called him saying I was ovulating and asked for “emergency sex”. My ex bf wasn’t home, but fertility window was narrow so I rushed to another town at night through the snow blizzard to be supposedly fertilized.

He lived with 2 other guys and his room lacked a real bed, but he had a cat and a dog. He worked as Italian café manager hoping someday to have business of his own. He was French by descent, blond, blue-eyed with crooked teeth, large short-framed and pig-faced. Not a very attractive by most standards. We tried to have a conversation, watch TV and play with the animals. Still, it felt very ackward just to have sex. I was a very shy type, I wasn’t sure how to initiate what I came there for. Finally after all small talk we moved into his bedroom and closed the door. Still I couldn’t bring myself to get started. Do you kiss the donor, what do you??? Eventually he turned off the light and started kissing me. From there on all went smoothly.


We did it couple times for good measure and when I got home, it was quite late. I had to explain to my boyfriend what happened. To my surprise the story excited and aroused him. He made me re-tell it over and over again.
I did not become pregnant as a result of insemination. Couple of days later I ended up in the emergency room from a horrable reaction to Chlomid. I swore never to take that poison again. It was a bitter dissapointment.
After the reaction somewhat passed and I was able to become somewhat normal, suddenly I felt the acute need to see the donor again. There was no reason for me, really. But I called him anyways and asked if I could come over. He had to work late that night, but I drove out there anyways, fearful and excited from emerging feelings towards him. That hormone oxytocin was higher than normal in me, thus making me feel succeptible to fall for the person I was intimate with, ugliness and all. It was still few hours until he would have to close. In the meantime I went clothes shopping on the same mall, had coffee, ate.. Finally before closing I went inside the café. He was busy cleaning and counting the money. At one point he came from behind and spanked me playfully. I wrongly perceived that as a sign of reciprocate affection. Still not sure why he did that.
When we got to his house, the painful truth was that he didn’t like me “in that way”. I went as low as trying to “negotiate” with him on how he trully felt. His response was, he knew what it was like to be in love, but that just wasn’t it; simple as that. I felt as if my self-esteem was stepped on. I realized there was nothing else that could have developed into anything. I drove home feeling crushed, empty. It was one of the most bizzare encounters in my life…But thank god I wasn’t pregnant after all!


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