So I successfully went to the gyno yesterday, got my exam like I wanted to (she really insisted it wasn’t necessary and didn’t want to do it, but I had her do it anyway), and got birth control. I cant start it until the sunday after my next period begins, and I’ve randomly skipped since april anyway (not pregnant, virgin), so I don’t know how long that’s going to be. And I’ve just read the sheet that comes with the pills and I don’t know if I can take them.

seriously.. people bitch about how serious the side effects of psych drugs are, and all the psych drugs ive been on dont even compare to this pill. potential effects of taking it are breast cancer, liver tumors (benign or malignant, either way can cause fatal internal bleeding) cervical cancer, blood clots, heart attack, stroke, and a shitload of others that i dont even REMEMBER now.

and the chances are very small, even moreso since i dont smoke. but im not even sexually active. and i have no idea when or if im even going to be. and even if i was, if i got cancer or became permanently disabled and knew that it was just because i wanted to have sex without getting pregnant, id have to fucking kill myself if i wasnt dying already, because thatd be such a stupid waste of life.

i dont think i can get myself to take the pills. im about to cry just thinking about it, because it was such a relief to think i wouldnt have to worry so much about getting pregnant if i had sex, and id always know exactly when my period is instead of this guessing shit i have to do every month. but i dont think i can do it.

My friend told me:

Millions of women have taken birth control pills and haven’t developed cancer. I’m on birth control and I love it. I know when my period is going to be and how heavy it is. It’s the best thing that has happened to me. I got on it when I was 15 and I was a virgin. I had that mind set where I wanted to be a virgin until I got married. Someone like you shouldn’t read side effects. It’s going to make your OCD worse.

And I told her:



it’s true, it is. the whole reason i went to the gyno was because i wanted to make sure i hadnt somehow defied the odds and gotten HPV from my misadventures with sean.. which isnt COMPLTELY insane because i do have a bump on my cervix which i figure is probably abnormal.. and its strange, it seems to change in size from day to day, and occasionally its not there at all. but when it’s there it’s definitely there. i even asked the doctor if it was possible to get it from someone touching themselves and touching you, and she said pretty much the only way to get it was penis rubbing against cervix. but i still wasnt satisfied and needed her to do the pap smear.



so my regular anxiety, plus OCD intrusive thoughts, plus that have made me pretty much certifiably insane in terms of cancer paranoia.



but like.. i dont know, im like this with everything. i think it does have to do with the OCD, because with that disorder you cant assure yourself of anything. like checking to make sure the curling iron is off. you’ve done it four times but you’re still not SURE. if you had it right there in front of you plain as day “its unlikely the curling iron is still on, but there IS a chance, however small, that you’re going to burn your house down and kill your entire family.” i just cant get myself to ignore that. and it’s not even an imaginary chance like it normally is with OCD, highly trained medical professionals are telling me that i CAN be sure theres a chance.



and when i got my psych meds they came with a booklet of side effects and stuff, and my mom told me not to read them. but i had to. i cant take drugs and not know what they could do to me. it’s just reckless. thats one of the reasons why i dont do recreational drugs, there’s just too many things that could happen. and especially since i had that drug reaction and overdosed earlier in the year… i couldve died. i couldve had a heart attack and died. and my mom still doesnt admit thats what happened. she thinks it was an allergy. i proved it wasnt an allergy. even i can be sure it wasn’t an allergy. if she’s that fucking dense, i cant trust her to look out for me, and someone has to.





i dont know. im just scared.