Just want to start this with what seems like an entire world fighting against LGBTQ, it is so nice to find solace in a group this like. It’s so important to have support and friends during what can feel like such a lonely and hopeless time.
Being yourself should be what makes you happiest and living authentically has to be the largest comfort in the world. I have told a few close friends and some family members about my authentic self but I am still living in fear of others and what would, or will happen, when I finally take the first steps toward transitioning.
For me transitioning means losing my wife and my family. The question is what price is too high for happiness. Will becoming Allie give me what I need to be happy given that I broke up a marriage. Do I remain with the status quo and just hope that I can make it work for myself. Such an impossible scenario and not something I know how to cope with. My family is so important to me and would do anything but on the flip side when the depression hits me, it hits me really hard and I struggle to find the meaning to a lot.
Becoming Allie has been a dream of mine since I was little kid, but is it just that; a dream.
Rambling post. Clarity will come. I hope.
Allie,
I remember a time when I thought becoming Mat would be impossible. The cost of HRT was high, I had parents who didn’t know I was trans, and some friends who made transphobic jokes.
It wasn’t until I came out that I realized that my happiness mattered more than what I could potentially lose. Living for other people is a death trap. It may not happen right away, but the people closest to me stayed because of the love they have for me and they wished me happiness. Those that didn’t matter left and I was okay at the end of the day because they didn’t contribute to my growth. Of course it hurt to lose people. But the quality of the people who stayed offset that loss.
I am sure your family loves you. Whether you are whoever you are or Allie. It doesn’t have to be a dream! It will take time, but anything is possible if you set your mind to it. You are WORTH the time it takes to get to that place of happiness.
You can start small. Maybe when you are alone, ask for your order name at the counter to be Allie. Learn how to do make up. Wear gender affirming clothes. Then, if you decide you want to medically transition, HRT is a choice. If decide that HRT is not for you, it does NOT make you any less trans than myself or anyone in the community!
Lots of love,
– Mat