Some how I always find myself explaining to everyone around me why I don’t want kids. Normally its the woman who are older then me who question me the most, and they proceed to tell how being another was one of the greatest jobs they have ever taken on, Okay Barb good for you. I use to want kids, I use to see my friends and sister go crazy over their new born babies. They would always smile and smell them but me I just watched. I watched these woman consume themselves in their duties and responsibilities as parents. Not me thought.

Growing up my mother had 3 more kids after me, boys as a matter a fact. I was in middle school the 6th grade I remember my mom leaving me to watch my brother when he was just an infant. She would go to town all day because we lived about 2 to 3 hours away from the nearest Walmart, Sams club or Target. I would spend all day with him alone, i was 13. I would warm up pizza rolls, open a Dr.pepper watch tv with him, he would chill in his walker, I would give him breakfast at 8, lunch at 12, nap at 1 and then entertain him until 5 or 6, give him a bath and then put him to bed by 8 or 9.

I laugh about it so much because to this day he is now 17 years old a senior in HS and he shows me more respect then our mother. He has a decent relationship with her but when it comes to discipline and direction i’m the one who guides him. This coming year I will be the one filling helping him with his college applications.

Ive helped my mother co parent 3 young boys ages 17, 13, and 10. I am 25. So i think you can see where i’m going with this. I have hardly ever had time to myself because a lot of the time if I am not at work, Im at home, cooking, cleaning, helping with homework, making sure they aren’t getting into nonsense while our mother sits on the couch watching the news or some Lifetime show.

I have some un-dealt with feelings towards my mother as you can probably connect the dots. She’s a uneducated, single mother who started having kids at 15. in total shes had 9 kids. I am in the middle.

So why not have kids everyone ask?? Because I had a shitty mom, I had a shitty childhood, I was put in shitty circumstances and I hold that all on my mother. Of course I have not said this to her face I’m not completely heartless. As I grow into an adult I can see why she is so sad, but on the other hand I know she made these choices. She choose to be the way she is and is willing to do nothing but give up.

Ive come a long way, Applying to my own colleges, making good grades, saving money, opening my bank accounts by myself, applying to my job, creating my resume, volunteering in my community to build up a small reputation. However when I introduce myself everyone always wants to know who you parent is and then the expectations change on me.

So what can I say I don’t want kids, my mother is a hopeless romantic I think shes had over 80 different boyfriends that just a guess. I’m sure the whole purpose behind my feelings is just that I don’t want to be anything like my mother. I don’t want to fall for any guy who is just nice, or has a job or whatever causes these woman to go crazy…

Its not that I hate kids, It would be such a shame to bring in a child into this world with a shitty mom.. me