Just me ranting, nothing exciting
I've been doing ok for a long time now, but the last few days a few things have made me realise some truths i've been avioding, interpreted or simply refused to believe. All of it boils down to it being my fault, and i was stupid not to see the truth earlier.
Like with friends. Or, the one i had. I don't think i've done anything really wrong, but i'm being pushed away. She cancelled the last three times we planned to meet, and now she won't answer phone or call back, so i guess that's that. Maybe i just got too clingy.
Then there's dog. I have no routine with her. I don't even take her out for walks much lately. No training, no nothing, i just leave her to herself while i do nothing. Makes me feel real bad, and i wonder why i don't just put some shoes on and start walking. It's not that difficult. I just keep putting it off, telling myself she doesn't mind walking around the garden, it's just for today.Maybe i go to the store and bring her, but that's it.And then there's tomorrow. And then there's the day after tomorrow.
Then there's my home. I never follow through with plans or ideas. Like clearing out closet to get rid of old clothes. Tidy up storage space so i can store winter clothes there. Stuff like that. I can't even keep it tidy, i've got no tables or shevles that's not littered with stuff.Rearrange books on shelves, i've even been looking forward to that, to make it look pretty, because i love books. Even move some of the nicknacks, the small statues ad decorations, i feel it looks to juvenile. I'm not 14 anymore.
Then there's me. I know i don't eat right and that i drink too much. And my sleep pattern is not really a pattern at all. I did believe i'd lost some weight though, looked a bit better than i did six months ago. I was proved wrong monday. The pics here are the few that didn't turn out like crap, the lucky ones. The others showed me as i probably look: Short and too fat. I should have worked out, should have started about 10 years ago, but i don't. As i said, i don't even walk the dog.
Sleeping too much a warning sign for me, the sleep patterns and the apetite. I saw the signs, but didn't know what to do. So i've finally cracked, after doing so well for so long. At least i have on the outside, and refused to see what was going on under the surface. I bet these feelings of guilt and shame will change into apathy in not too long – it's easier to distance yourself and feel nothing than to be in pain.
I'm waiting to get new therapist. Unfortunately, this has to go through doc, he needs to contact therapis with reference. He's sent one letter. In may. I got reply from that therapist in the end of june – not possible to fit me in. I'm going back to doc tomorrow, i'll ask him to send references to several therapists, i can't wait over a month to get rejected, before sending another letter, that will take forever.
When i go to doc tomorrow, i have to stop by at my parents' house to drop off dog. I hope they're not at home, mom can't see me like this without overreacting, and dad just tells me to snap out of it and stop taking meds. So all i have right now, the only ones who might care, are the people i find in here.