Hello folks. This is a little blog about how I feel sometimes. It seems, at times, that for every step I think I take forward; reality comes in and makes me feel like I have taken two steps back. Those times I feel really down on myself for being suck a jerk in some fashion or another. I get to feeling like I am good about myself and them something happens and I feel like I haven’t grown at all and I am still the same person I was before or worse. I feel like my whole life is just one great big joke for everyone else to see and everything like that. I have felt like God put me here as an example of how not to live your life. Believe me I am not only my own worst critic, but my own worse enemy at times. I am not as bad as I used to be, but I still have my regressions to when I just go totally and utterly ballistic on myself in my head. I would, and have, replayed, over and over and over, some mistake I had made; even if it was only a tiny mistake. I am pretty sure that at some point most of us have done that at some point in our lives, but I will tell you this it took me a very, very long time to get it through my thick skull not to be so critical of myself. I mean even if it was not my mistake I would internalize it and fell like it was my mistake. I am trying to get better day by day, but sometimes, when stuff happens, I wonder if I have made any progress at all. I just try and do the best I can here, but sometimes I wonder if it is enough. I guess I will just have to do the best I can and let the chips fall where they may and deal with it as it comes. I will tell you this I am nowhere as bad as I used to be, but I still have my lapses of when I used to be my own worst enemy and at those times I feel as low as you can possibly feel. I guess I will just have to keep going day to day and do the best I can.

  1. cdnpickles 13 years ago

    I understand completely Lonewolf…I am exactly the same.  The internal monologue you cannot control that will pop up whenever it feels the urge and replay every error you feel you ever made in agonizing detail over and over and at great length…My doctor has put me on anti-anxiety pills and things are so much better.   Knowing that we are overly critical of ourselves isn't always enough to stop that voice.   I hope you are able to gain control over this for yourself.

    Hang in there.




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  2. ancientgeekcrone 13 years ago

    Progress has often been defined as 1 step forward and 2 steps back.  In other words, progress in some areas is slow and tortuous;  Made of of equal parts of perserverence and desperation.

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