Hi All,

I am pretty new to this website and community but I’ve been looking for somewhere to share these thoughts for a while. I identify as non-binary, although I am AFAB and kind of lean towards more masculine tendencies although I’m not sure yet if I am actually trans or just hate having boobs. I do know I do want to start microdosing T but I can’t because…

I am also a freestyle wrestler trying to pursue Olympic goals. I wrestled in the girls’ division in high school, and the women’s division in college. In my opinion, that makes sense for me because physically I am female (that’s just how I look at it, I know everyone views such things differently). For me, I am willing to wait until I retire from sports to start to really embrace who I am, although I know that’s not an option for everyone. However, it is so dreadfully tiring to constantly be mislabeled because of the division I am forced to compete in. Right now, I identify confidently as non-binary, and my coaches are respectful of that and use my chosen name and appropriate pronouns. The issue is that it is so hard to expect people to understand or care that I am non-binary when all they see is that I compete in the women’s division so obviously I must be a woman. I’m not a woman. I’m not a female wrestler. I’m just a wrestler. In sports, the first thing people see about you is gender, because that defines who you compete against in most cases. In order to pursue my dream, I have to continually put aside an equally important part of my identity. My singlet is defined as “women’s cut”, my division is women’s freestyle, I train with a women’s collegiate team. Every day I go to practice I reminded that I don’t fit. Now that I am writing this, I am realizing the timeline of me realizing I am genderqueer matches the timeline of me beginning to struggle with depression and increased anxiety. Wrestling is everything to me, but my genderqueer identity is part of me. I can’t give up either one, but having them both is a constant struggle in cognitive dissonance. How do I free myself to pursue my goal with all of my being when such a big part of me is being abused in the process?