Hello Everyone, In this last month or so I have been trying to become more courageous as a trans person out in public. *
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I did not share this earlier because I was trying to think of “how to say this” about actually going to a Sunday Easter service! I was in Edelweiss Canada which is just north of Golden. Generally speaking, I tend to avoid churches and Synagogues… mostly because I have no idea how these people, unknown by me, will react to me as “Iris”!
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Well, I went inside a church willingly, (with knees shaking) which always felt like a big deal at home, but here it was fine! 🙂 Of course I had the advantage of no one here actually having seen me before, so they had no preconceptions about who I am. Which is so liberating! I got to simply be me, the girl who I am on the inside. You have no idea how freeing this feels, not feeling any need to hide. Because here I look entirely feminine. (Tucking and a padded bra are so easy to get used to ). 🙂
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I was visiting one of my mom’s sisters, Ellen and her family: Edward is her husband, and they have three girls, “Nia”who is 18, “Lidan” who is 14 and ‘Roe” who is 10. These are the English nickname versions of traditional Celtic names (So cool!) .
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Meeting them was easy, I just smiled and said, “call me Iris”. No awkward questions, no weird looks, they just accepted me as I am. 🙂 I had fun dressing up with the girls, they had lots of clothes to choose from. I wore light grey tights, low heeled shoes, and a really pretty flower print dress on top. I did not even feel self conscious changing in front of them, since I already had my “girl” under clothes on. (and, there were no boys around). Nia helped me put my hair up in a tight french braid laced with little while flowers. Roe wanted to hold my hand when we walked into the church, I told her she looked “so cute” in her dress and her smile glowed!
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If I get up enough courage I might even share a picture of us all standing together outside their house… This will be a BIG step for me, I don’t like to share photos of me, ’cause I feel like a “phreak” on the inside.
* By “Public” I mean out with the crowds, walking among the “regular people” i.e. “Cis” gendered men, women & children.
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Sending all of you a big smile, some joy, peace and prayers – Iris
I wouldn’t know how it feels to pretend to be someone you’re not.
Hey lunamelody, I have to contend with this every day! Welcome to my nightmare, my boy body feels so damn alien. and most days I have to walk around dressed like “S” all day long.
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I feel like I have to pretend to be S in public, “S” is the costume! At home, when I am alone and existing as Iris, this is when I feel genuine and free. But I can’t stay this way outside… Because everyone here knows me as “S”.
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I cannot imagine what people would do if they see me walking around in a skirt or dress, with some curves up top. Probably get beat up again, I got so tired of that when I was younger! And one of the main reasons I had to move, not to mention the rape! – Iris
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p.s. You have no idea how much I envy the cis people around me.
This made me smile and shed a few tears. I’m very happy and proud of you for mustering up that courage.
Hey Link, Thanks for the tears, I see them so rarely…. except for on my face, and now dripping down my face, onto my fingers and now shinning on the keyboard.
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It feels like it has been a long time since anyone has be proud of me, including me. (tic)
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Sending you some love and gratiitude! – Iris
Thanks mute…. hey what do you really want me to call you? The oddest thing was that at the time I did not feel brave, I was simply trying to survive. Sending you some thanks, a smile, hope, prayers and a few tears of gratitude. 🙂
Hey Mute, I was wondering, when is it that you feel comfortable talking? At home, at work, when out with friends… when singing along in the car… or shower….?
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I had a nickname but I did not like it, S—t the Snott. Kids seem to have an unfortunate tendency to be cruel… I had terrible allergies and usually had a runny nose, except in the summer. To this day one of my worst allergies is Dust Mites. They tested me when I was ~ 5 years old, with a grid of scratches on my arm, this one looked like a mosquito bite! And is why our house has no carpets!
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Do you know ASL? I know this is a long shot, and something I would still like to learn.
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Sending you some of my hope, a hug, a smile, peace and prayers – Iris